Why do I so desperately seek romantic relationships?

tbh I also used to feel this way, and drove away a great partner because of it. you sound like you have a good amount of insight, which is better than where I was. they basically got utterly exhausted of me constantly craving their strength and tending to my breakdowns, not to mention my intense fear / anxiety when they left even for things like a one week thanksgiving with their family. the pain and longing got even worse when he left me because of it. like I’d had a taste of what I wanted and then it was cut off. and then the guilt; he left me because what I wanted hurt him, genuinely. I felt awful. It’s been years since then and with therapy and hindsight, I’ve realized that it actually takes MORE work to take care of myself and manage my emotions in a relationship, because inevitably every relationship comes with ups and downs, and you have a responsibility to care for your partner just as they have a responsibility to you. and part of caring for them means being able to manage my own emotions independently of them. after I lost that person, I stayed with the pain and stayed single for a while. I gradually filled the hole in my life and soul that I had been longing for a mythical “him” with infinite love to fix. I wanted to be cherished beyond all things, so I had to learn to do that for myself. I wanted to feel loved and beautiful and like even when I was at my worst, I was still infinitely precious. so I learned to do that for myself. it’s been many years, but now I’m happily married to a man who does see me that way. but I wouldn’t be able to treat him right if I didn’t know how to take care of myself. I would lose him too, if I still had that pain and emptiness and longing, and unleashed it on him too. our partners also deserve to be treated with infinite tenderness and love, and giving them our pain to fix is not that. I had to learn that the hard way. and sometimes when we fight I still struggle. it took time, lots of it, and patience, and trying lots of new things, and reflecting on my relationships, and even moving across the country, but I got there. most of the way anyway ;) good luck to you friend

/r/BPD Thread