This thread is old, but hopefully this will be seen. Even if only one person sees it, i would feel less alone.
My useless friend google has failed bigtime. Normally i find SOME encouraging words, but after 45 minutes of searching....i just feel like im the only crazy fuck in the world. The thoughts going through my head have always been fucked, but have recently escalated to the point that they actually disturb ME....(not an easy task). All of the shity "helpfull" websites ive found are riddled with the word suicide, which is completely irrelevant to my situation (personally i feel suicide is just a burden to my family, and bonus, it solves nothing. I wont waste my time even considering the word, its completely irrational, selfish, and would be a fucking crime to put my awesome kids something so terrible. And it would definativley prove that everyone is right about me not having any feelings whatsoever).
Anyway, assuming that anyone reading this is normal, there arent words to describe to you how incredibly violent and insane my thoughts are. A regular trip to the store for me ends up with me begging for some dude to lock eyes with me. Occasionaly ill get into an argument, wich is never satisfying.
I dunno my head is completely fucked right now, but i guess my question is this. Why do i go from mildy irritated, straight to wanting to kill some asshole when all he did is stare at me for a moment? Not that i would ever shoot or stab someone, thats rediculous. My mind sends me directly to killing my new "enemy". I dont want to see him die, i want to FEEL it. The only violent thought that overwhelms me is wanting to choke him to death so that i can feel his last breath leaving him. The thought of feeling his useless fucking life come to an end by my hand seems like it would be incredibly satisfying.
I am a very logical man before the anger hits me. Trust me, i fully realize how absurd and irrational my thoghts are. Unfortunately that doesent fix how these thoughts (if acted upon) make me feel so relieved and uh.....happy. Elated even.
In closing, i fully understand that these thoughts are irrational to most, but it feels so right. My therapist says i "lack empathy" and he must be right. I mean its painfully obvious that therapy must be working for me since im bitching to no one on reddit..........sorry, my only fluent language is extreme sarcasm, which doesnt really covey well in text. I guess im going to "sleep" for the night. (Stare at the fucking cieling for hours). Need to be well rested so i can report to my incredibly important and fullfilling job full of top notch educated individuals. I have to work extra hard since im the only person in my department without a college education. (They all have at least a BA in idiocy, excluding our management team....theyre real go getters with PHD's majoring in general fuckupery. Must be nice.
Regards,
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[Insert rage inducing motivational quote here]