I was always ambivalent about having kids up until my late twenties. Once I hit 30, I had a deep desire to have a child of my own. I thought, maybe, 2 would be a perfect number. However, now that I’m 8 weeks pregnant with hopefully my first, the anxiety has become crippling. For months of ttc I was riddled with anxiety and fear that something was wrong and it would never happen for us. I thought, if I can just finally get pregnant I can relax. But I’ve soon come to realize that the way my anxiety works is it just moves to the next goal post and the next worry.

Once I got pregnant I was ecstatic but that quickly dissipated and turned into intense stress and worry about something inevitably going wrong. For the past 4 weeks I’ve been in an almost constant state of stress and anxiety. I’m hoping I’ll be able to relax and enjoy this pregnancy soon enough. I’m dying for a sigh of relief.

If I end up with a healthy baby after all of this I never want to go through this again. I will be one and done. I just don’t think I’m cut out for this.