My first real and only relationship lasted a month or two in one to two week increments before we would get angry at each other and break it off. Looking back on it now, the main reason that it didn’t work out was because I didn’t really know how to be more intimate with him and thus couldn’t really him satisfy him in the way that he wanted. He would try to flirt and be sexy, but I would just shrug it off or at worst would break down into tears because I didn’t know how to handle his advances.

This was my first ever relationship so I never even so much as kissed a guy, so the jump from confessing we liked each other to saying he wanted to fuck me was too much for my 18 year old brain to handle, even more so due to the fact that I was a budding trans girl. The concept of a guy liking me at all was so foreign and unattainable that when someone actually did, I tried to make it last as long as possible, even though I couldn’t provide him anything in the sexual department due to my insecurities and dysphoria. I feared that if I let him go then no other man could love me and I’d be alone forever.

It didn’t end on good terms, being that we ended up fighting a lot because I couldn’t be more intimate with him, but I have since apologized for being such a mess during our time together. We don’t talk anymore, though I suppose it’s for the better :/.