You're not an asshole.
You said you had a baby you put up for adoption, went through six miscarriages and are currently going through one right now, the strength you have to go through that is extraordinary. I mean it when I say this, you are a beautiful person. Going through so much and not giving up shows your determination.
Why do you feel like you're being punished? Giving a baby up for adoption when you know you couldn't take care of it was such a hard, but difficult decision and I commend you for that, you did nothing wrong, you gave the baby a chance at a better life.
Just because people might be going through worse things than you doesn't mean we shouldn't care, I don't want such a beautiful soul to leave this earth, we need more awesome people like you here.
Were here for you.
Think about it this way, if you give up now, that voice in the back of your head that whispers "you're not good enough, you're ugly, you deserve this" wins. I know you have what it takes to rise up and best this monster.. depression will not define you, you will rise up and define yourself.
If you try hard enough you will succeed, everybody here is on that path, the pursuit of happiness. Life is weird like that, were on a boat out at sea and a giant storm is stirred up, we feel like the boats gonna sink and were scared, we don't know what to do. We're too afraid to take our focus off the wheel and keeping the boat afloat to look back at the only thing that can save us, but we don't beleive it, we don't have the faith, now in the bible that thing is Jesus (not preaching, just an example, it's okay if you don't believe)but it also applies in life, that thing is our confidence and strength that we keep locked away because we are afraid.
Don't think if only you could do this or that you would be better, that you're not good enough. Don't buy that lie, everyday you wake up tell yourself that you are good enough and you don't need anything to make you better for other people, do everything for your own happiness.
Remember this. We are all on the path that we call the pursuit of happiness, pursue your happiness, not somebody else's.
Wow.. I just wanted to tell you that you're awesome, you really are. Thanks for taking your time to read this, and I hope you can reconsider taking your life.