I want to die, but can't (long post((Sorry)), please read; I want some help)

I realize this is 2 months old and may feel like it's coming late, but late's better than never. I'm wondering if based on your post history that it's not still a major problem, all this. I hope writing it out was in a small way cathartic.

Look, I'm fairly certain there's not a whole lot anyone is going to say to suddenly pull you out of that deep rabbit hole, mentally speaking. But here I am, taking time and effort. Someone that doesn't know you or should really care about your situation. I hope you'll reassess the abilities of those around you. We may surprise you.

You are in one very dark place. Just reading about it feels pretty heavy. Whew. Understandably, you're at a critical breaking point. You gotta lighten your mental load ASAP.

There's a lot of shit happening. A LOT.

Let's address the love/girl problem because if I had to guess, this plays a big portion of why you're where you are, now. If you met someone you felt that way about once, why on Earth have you told yourself that it is never possible again?! Lots of people have some insanely awful relationships that puts them to a brink, where they want to say you know what? That's it and I'm done with them! But eventually, time heals a whole lot. You keep a little hope tucked away that one day, you'll meet someone who makes you feel that way again. Everyone deserves love and happiness if they desire it. Maybe it's true life's not fair. We don't get the things we want in the way we want them, but that doesn't mean it won't ever happen for you.

As a small side note, the mind games with the mutual friend of yours was childish and mean. You seem intelligent, your 'spidey-sense' was tingling this gal was doing something wrong. You got a good sense of how to treat others. You maybe can learn something out of this tragedy and move it into a positive going forward, best you can. I think you should seek out someone who is your equal there and doesn't have time for that kind of HS drama antics.

There is no shame in mistakes. Mistakes teach us way more than magically doing something perfect ever will. Embrace that shit! You are more in control of your disappointments than you think. Will you still feel bad and have awful days? Count on that. But, on the flip side, you can count also that it won't stay that way. Why? Because you're like water. You can flow from one day to the next, and cast aside habits and things you want to change.

School is hard. You know, you are being too hard on yourself about all that. Let it go. You did well in earlier years because you weren't challenged and it came naturally. Now you are being challenged. Don't tuck tail and run off without giving a good fight, first! Make sure you are actually in school for something YOU want to do, by the way. It makes no sense to go live someone else's dreams and desires. It took me several years after HS to get the guts to even apply to a community school. And I fretted and worried because I had NO idea what I was doing or where I was going. I'm so f'in glad I didn't let that stop me, because after my first year, I figured it out. YOU WILL FIGURE IT OUT. If you are willing. If you put in the effort.

First though? You gotta stop with all this negative self-talk. All these cant's and won'ts. All that energy you put into hoping some bus driver runs you over? For real man!? Think of what you could be doing for yourself if you stopped yourself in your tracks with each batch of negative thoughts and tried to think about something you are passionate about and want to do! Does it feel stupid at first? YEP. Because you aren't use to it. It'll feel forced. But a lot of things do until they are habit. BE UNCOMFORTABLE. Do not be content to be miserable. That's where you are now. I'm just saying. I didn't say it would be easy. It's a habit you've developed and if you are that young now, imagine in ten years how hard it'll be to break it if you don't start on that.

As to all your /deep thoughts moments, there's nothing wrong with having all these observations about people, yourself, and the world. It's nothing wrong with you to have opinions on what's right or wrong happening. I think what could be best for someone as yourself with those kind of ideals is the hard job of accepting the world the way it is. It may not feel right, but you yourself can do small things every single fucking day to make it different. Doesn't matter if it's on some giant large scale. Live and make a difference. Die and give up. It's totally your choice and some stranger on the innernetz isn't going to change that. You are.

Lastly, it's really hard for me to address your issues with younger women... Meh. I don't know based on your words how young and frankly, it's none of my business. But, if you feel you are ever going to act out on this and put someone under 18 at risk, I highly recommend finding a therapist in your area for low to no income and expressing these thoughts honestly and openly. You haven't acted on them yet, right!? Soooo. It can be changed. You'd be surprised the dark thoughts many of us have on a daily basis about plenty of things. It's not to say that it is normal to have that, but there is probably some reasoning behind it. Feeling overwhelmed by your adult life at the present, perhaps you are craving more of the carefree days of childhood (if I had to leap and make an assumption) but alas, I do not share in this and have zero experience in why people have those feels. But you don't have to be a monster. Ask for help. There's no shame in asking for help from someone who can get you back on your feet mentally.

There IS shame in giving up and/or acting out on things YOU YOURSELF say you do NOT want to do!!!

Remember this: "it's only temporary". If I had to say it to myself over and over at a long stoplight before wanting to panic and freak out about some random stressful thing that day, that's what I did.

You gotta give yourself some credit for things you are doing that you like - I don't care how small it is. That's how it happens. Small steps to the bigger picture. Try to be patient to work on the things you realize you take issue with. You can change. Don't say you can't. Just saying it makes it mentally harder to actually do.

As for the future, none of us really know what is coming or not. You can make assumptions at it, but you can't predict it. Would love to peer into a looking glass and see it play out so I could just know, but we can't. Let the days come to you at a one at a time basis. Hour by hour. Minute by minute, if you have to.

Leaving you with a quote from my fav anime, Full Metal Alchemist,

“Stand up and walk. Keep moving forward. You've got two good legs. So get up and use them. You're strong enough to make your own path." -Edward Elric

If you don't give up and need a stranger's complete outside perspective, feel free to PM me. It's there. Take it or leave it.

/r/SuicideWatch Thread