So I had a freaky, crappy start to the day...

I woke up a bit late and rushed to get dressed and out to work (I got there on time, but close). I skipped breakfast though so I was hungry and dehydrated, whatever. Also it's raining so I'm in a fairly shitty mood when I'm in the subway.

The subway is crowded of course and I filter to the back of the car, and I end up leaning against the door. I don't really have anything to hold on to in this spot except to press up between the door at my side and the floor beneath me to keep steady on the train. It's not especially comfortable but it's only a ten/fifteen minute ride on the train.

I start feeling crappier as the train moves and it's crowded so I'm stuck in this awkward position leaning against the door, and I have my bag slung over my shoulder. I feel kind of light-headed, which I just chalked up to skipping breakfast and rushing out from sleep to standing in the subway, but by 68th street it gets worse. I've had panic attacks like this before where I get tunnel vision almost exactly like this, but normally it doesn't get any worse than that. They're usually related to hangovers or something but I haven't drank or gotten high in almost 6 months; they usually get better, so I just decide to power through. So by leaving 68th street I've got tunnel vision; by 59th street station though:

I went fucking blind.

That's not a metaphor for something. I couldn't fucking see anything. Like I said I had tunnel vision at 68th street where my peripheral vision went and between there and 59th street (about 2 minutes later) it was a bit like Looney Tunes ending where there's a circle closing down and "That's all, folks!" I couldn't see at all

Between there and Grand Central I was blind - I was like a (blind) deer in the headlights though, I didn't know what to do. I was still conscious and knew where I was though (I could feel the train stopping and hear the stations named)

But even though I couldn't see, I could kind of navigate. For one, I knew where I was in the car, and I could actually sort of sense that there was something or someone in front of me (this is apparently a legit thing: blindsight) and I was able to navigate out of the train and through a turnstyle on autopilot without bumping into anyone or falling. I was trying to find a spot to sit down and maybe recover, thinking it was dehydration or lack of food.

I made it to the escalator up to the ground floor of grand central - I could feel myself kind of recovering from the moment I started getting off the train. I looked up and I could sort of make out the outlines of people in front of me on the escalator and it was kind of like glitched video for a few seconds; first there were outlines I could tell, then the colors started filling in, but badly oversaturated. It would have been kind of fun if it wasn't freaky as all hell. By the time I made it up to the ground floor my vision was pretty much back to normal, though I was pretty rattled.

I actually made it to work after that!

Now, I was thinking it was a lack of food in the moment (and I'm going to talk to my doctor) but I think it actually was the bag.

Becauase I was leaning tautly against the wall, the strap of my bag climbed up from my shoulder to my neck. Once i recovered, my neck was pretty sore even; and I was freaking out, I think I was even pushing down on the bag such that the strap tightened around my neck. So I think it was because I was accidentally strangling myself. I was also coughing for a while after that because my throat completely dried out.

Anyway, fun start to the morning...