I feel the empty doll analogy when I'm disassociating too. Hollow. It's been over a year since it last happened, but it was when I was trapped in a car on a road trip with a toxic couple, their car, middle of nowhere, out of state and hundreds of miles from home. I was in the back seat alone at the previous rest stop, then she had me sit shotgun when we got back in the car, seemed innocent enough it was a good trip thus far with lots of love bombing all weekend. I didn't expect it coming at all.

She was trying to dig into me with a warmth and sickly sweetness that made my skin crawl, not the first time either, but the first time where I wasn't being suppressed by direct eye contact due to the seating situation. it was easier to recognize the invasion for what it was. I had no way out except to go within. Toxics love to offer to drive you and then fuck your mind up in the car, they have complete control there, it's like their operating room.

I found myself closing my posture, and my arms got really cold - This is a body response to danger, protect the center, cover the essential organs with the non vital limbs, and to draw blood to the center, less risk of bleeding out if cut/injured.

My arms were folded over/across my torso, legs crossed and I turned slightly on my hip away from them. Adrenaline was pumping through me and it was difficult to keep my body still. I was observing from outside felt like I was miles away tuning in to a crappy video/audio feed. I could hear but it was like a degraded signal or underwater, distant, removed, low quality, low volume, like a conversation through a wall. I didn't really hear or understand what was being said, but single word responses came from my mouth. "Oh". "Hmm". "Maybe". and a lot of non response, silence, disconnection.

Inside my mind was screaming for relief, and thoughts were racing and I almost spilled everything out from the inside to relieve the pressure. I immediately went back like 25 years and could visibly see my brother at a Christian summer camp where everyone was surrounding and pressing down on him, physically, emotionally, verbally, trying to "save him". I watched as I did then, silently and unable to move, he was curled up and completely still and silent. I adopted his strategy then. staring down at my legs, like they weren't mine, someone else's body, a foreign body, I escaped into studying these legs and clothing, traveling tiny, like an explorer climbing the hills and descending the valleys of the natural folds and creases in the cloth wilderness. maybe an hour passed maybe 5 minutes of silence, I cannot say - time was distorted. Eventually the mood changed when the driver said "are you sleeping?" In a friendly upbeat tone and turned on music. I didn't speak for the rest of the trip, which was long enough for darkness to turn to noon. I broke free and went no contact within 6 months of that trip. I still had to interact with them weekly until I was ready to escape, I never made eye contact or opened myself to them again since that night.