I can’t argue with your perspective.

I do feel like I was deceitful, but I was also lying to myself. That’s why I kept telling myself things would improve in our next stage of life. I told myself he’s a good guy and I’m going to be sorry if I lose him. I told myself I was going through a phase. I am not trying to excuse my behavior, but I was young and scared. And I also felt that I’d be letting everyone down - friends and family (and him) who thought we had a perfect relationship.

Yes, there is definitely an element of self preservation involved. I don’t want to be the bad guy because I fell out of love with him and was too afraid to say anything; I was too afraid to hurt him. I feel guilty for not speaking up more clearly, I suppose. And also, no one wants to be the bad guy.

I am an empathetic person - and that empathy led to my lack of action. I put myself in his shoes. Tried to justify his behavior. He didn’t know how to express love or affection and that I would just have to accept that. And in the meantime, I was unknowingly making myself withdraw from him more and more.

I made mistakes. He made mistakes. But his accusations hurt and I am accepting my fate. I wanted to divorce anyways. I guess just selfishly on my own terms.