It's hard to be nice to my family right now. I'm usually a pretty forgiving person. I've never not forgave you or my family for anything. When I was at the homeless shelter I was trying to make my stepdad feel better when they dropped me off there one time after we had lunch together. Even though he was the one letting me be there. That's how hopelessly and obliviously selfless I can be sometimes. But they always take advantage of my forgiveness and start treating me badly again. Ever since I was a little kid my stepfather has been dismissive of my concerns and showed me very little respect. He's also very selfish. And arrogant. And dumb. Both of my parents are pretty dumb. And I don't mean that as a put down. It's just a consequence of where they go for information and who they take advice from. So the television. My stepdad used to have friends who also mistreated their kids who would encourage and support him and make him feel better when he did bad things to me. He really did treat me badly. I know you don't believe me but you're wrong. He was treated badly when he was a kid and never figured it out. I hope his therapist helps him figure out that being violent and not explaining things and treating people like animals isn't right. I'm not autistic. I was emotionally intelligent even at an early age. I was able to see how disappointed my father was with my friends. And I didn't want them around someone who acted like him. So I stopped reciprocating friendships and ended up alone. I had plenty of friends. I was happy. But I became discouraged. I was a good person. I was nice to people. The one thing that sets me off and makes me not act nice sometimes is what is happening with you and me right now. I lost my dad at an early age. And I lost my friends. I turned inward to spare myself further emotional pain and got further and further behind socially. I think things happened to me at an early age that fucked me up too. I think I saw my real dad acting controlling towards my mom. Which makes me controlling. Also I have a deep sense of abandonment because I miss my dad and my original family situation. That was something that never got resolved. I didn't have a good family once my stepdad entered the picture either. He was maybe a little bit less controlling of my mom. But he wasn't emotionally available to me and treated me with disrespect. My brother didn't exactly get off the hook either. He always talks about how he can't feel anything for anybody either. He hates being hugged. But at least he was willing to do what he was told. Now that he's older he hates sports and everything that he was forced to do as a kid and is starting to become a lot more like myself instead of our stepdad. He's still a pretty insecure person who has to brag about how hard he works and is in denial to the point that he thinks nobody can do his job but he's getting better and I have hope for him. My stepdad doesn't realize that when we talk about how much we hated that stuff that we're talking about him. He'll just talk about coaches he disliked. He doesn't realize he was one of those bad people.

I'm really struggling. Even though I was controlling I deeply care about you too and it's not fun. I'm sorry.