Does anyone else feel like a fake and empty human?

If you think you are bipolar, Depressed episodes I went through can last month's to year after hypermanic episode or mixed episodes. When I get depressed I slow down, I don't sleep well I just don't have energy to care about anything, numb apathetic but I fake smile and fake I am okay for work in order to pay bills when I get home I feel like shit & I know it. I spend most the time in bed laying there cause I lost interest in anything. I remember the worse things in my life and I feel just dumb and useless. I don't want to hang around with people cause I feel like a burden. You forget when is the last time being happy. Depression does effect memory. Add anxiety I worry about everything and what people think of me.

5 years ago I tried zoloft for depression and anxiety I was soo happy starting it up and then I got depression again my doctor moved out of town so I stop my meds altogether I got depression on and off 2 years after that i tried it again with another doctor same symptoms except this time I was so angry so full of energy all I wanted to do is clean the house and if some one wanted to get in the way I was so cranky and my anxiety was full ball I was laughing randomly I blame the meds for it so I went back and the doctor GP was like this sounds like bipolar. I was like yeah right but yet again he didn't give me much information on bipolar. So he tired to recommend me anti epileptic drugs that can be used as mood stabilisers I didn't touch it till a year later, I tried it did made me calm and less anxious not angry. I still had depression they added the prozac I went up again I was so anxious so angry having mental break downs.

I gave up on meds till again this year I had mental break down at work and having anxiety attacks last well over my normal average duration I wasn't sleeping I was soo depressed the worse state I ever was I thinking of giving up I had different GP who wasn't heavy handed on meds wanted to see the bottom of it instead of giving me meds she sent me to a psych doc at the hospital outward patient she looked at my past med history and ask me questions it of past behaviour. She could tell I wasn't in good shape somehow I still hold down a job I was surprised I wasn't fired for depression breakdowns.

4 sessions that go from every two weeks to once a month I got the official diagnosis of bipolar type 2 in June i was surprised but I knew I couldn't deny it anymore.

Hypermania can be interesting it makes up sometimes go on shopping sprees or be very irritable and anxiety can be added. Most cases my depression state has anxiety the most.

Just get a diagnosis is my advice don't make happiness your goal just make stability the goal. I hope this helps or have an idea. Research little on manic depression I recommend stephen fry documentary.

/r/depression Thread