does anyone else just get the urge to keep fucking yourself up more and more to see how bad things can get before killing yourself?

I'm walking a thin line at my job, always doing things that put me on the verge of losing it. I make decent money but most of it goes to heroin and the stupid decisions I make when on it. I'm good at my job and work hard, often 10-12 hour days, 7 days a week sometimes, but people are starting to notice something is off. My boss and others have commented on how shitty I look some days when coming in. Even on hot days I have to wear sweaters or long sleeves to hide my track marks. Just recently while the work vehicle i use was being brought to the repair shop a coworker found needle caps and cottons in it. My direct boss knows but he cant afford to lose me right now it seems, if anyone else found out above him though i'd be gone. I may be drug tested soon due which would be an automatic termination. Thing is, half of me hopes I do lose my job so I can finally feel overwhelmed enough to commit to ending it. I often think about making an extra large shot and intentionally ODing, but I usually end up getting high first and saying to myself i'll save that for another day.

/r/SuicideWatch Thread