Does anyone else stay up at night because they feel if they go to sleep then they havent gotten enough free time at home?

I lived this feeling for three years and it almost destroyed me.

When I started my job I commuted long distances. My scheduel was that I wake up and start getting ready for work around 6:30 AM, I left for work at 7AM, spent about 2 hours traveling to work due to morning trains and traffic, work from 9-5, then commute 2 hours home. Thats a 12 hour work day, I get home at 6:30PM and to get at least 7 hours of sleep have to be in bed at a latest of 11, because it takes a half hour to fall asleep for me.

That leaves me roughly four and a half hours for myself each day, no commute hustle, no work, no rushing or waiting. In that time I have to get dinner, I have to try to work out, I have to maybe hang out with friends, maybe go for a walk, shower and shave before bed. Its an insanely small window to do anything, and when I started my job I just accepted that this was the hard knocks, and that I could find ways to easily make this work. I dont have a BAD job, I really like it. Its stable, pays all my expenses, lets me save money and the work isnt stressful at all. I figured with the salary and the raises my carrer was planned out with that in 3 years I could move closer to work, solving this issue and this would be a temporary inconvenience at the start of my carrer.

For the first year I was able to make it work, I would listen to podcasts and watch youtube videos during my commute and would come home, maybe play some video games with friends, make some dinner and try to make up for the socializing on the weekends. I would spend hours on the weekend with friends, playing card games saturday nights till 3-4ish in morning. At the time I just assumed it was me having fun on the weekend, but in reality I was desperately trying to make up for the week I was basically losing, I just didnt realize it yet.

Over the next three years I did my job, and my mental state entered a slow decline. It wasnt my job, it was the lack of anything but my job. When all you do is listen to podcasts and watch videos of other people, enjoying their lives or doing exciting things, the menial little time for yourself starts to eat at your conviction. I had my first breakdown about a year into this. Over months I would clean out all my main interests podcast and youtube wise. Now I get it, you would think "Spider, there are billions of videos and podcasts, how can you possibly run out of things to watch?" Well, when you are constantly being reminded that your in your mid 20s, just out of college and cant afford the time for the adventures you hear about, it starts to really poision your mind, leading to increadible self doubt. I lost it, fresh out of college, where every day was socializing, studying and interaction with peers, now became a hollow forced march to an office, then back home only to sleep to go back to work. I had a complete break down, losing an entire weekend to screaming into a pillow one night, all because I slept in both saturday and sunday one weekend.

I started cheating sleep, work weeks I need at least 7 hours of sleep, but I would try to stay up an hour later, possibly 2 hours, just to drag out the nights. This caused catastrophic chain reactions through my life. My work efficiency tanked, my body became weaker and weaker, I eventually caught a horrible flu and was out for a week on meds to combat it. It became clear that my body wouldnt let me cheat, I had to buy more time. The next year saw me develop a hording mentality for time.

I began losing things, things I deeply loved but a year or so ago, because they took time. I stopped my modeling hobby, my half finished projects staring at me for years as I wanted to finish them, indeed I've been modeling since I was 12, its been an important part of my life and a way to calm down, but now I couldnt bring myself to work on them, too afraid time will slip by and I'm back in my commute. I stopped cooking many of my meals, instead, desperate to feel something unique, I started going out to eat. It wasnt because I wanted to eat bad food or was lazy, it was just to feel like I was doing SOMETHING outside, somehow living a life and treating myself. I would eat at a local Chipotle 3-5 times a week for dinner, to the point that the staff knew me on a first name basis. I would spend money going to a local Ramen joint every weekend just to smile at the waiter, tell him I want my usual and sit there eating, watching anything that could relax me on my phone. It was the only time I felt like I wasnt rushed. My phone became an addiction, always needing some video or music playing to keep me from the quiet stress.

But here's the thing, I would only end up getting home later, then the stress would return. It would suddenly be 8 o clock and my friends were playing computer games, friends that lived merely a half hour away and I havent seen them in MONTHS, and I would literally park my car and run the few feet to my door, affraid that the seconds wasted walking would destroy my chances to video game and chat online for the 2 hours at most I could before I had to get into bed. It would waste too much time driving to see them afterall. I used to see movies with a couple friends, we would always see the latest action movie or marvel movie, then go to a diner after words to talk about it and enjoy each other's company. Well first I couldnt do the diner, then I couldnt do the movie. I almost didnt see Endgame (a big deal for us as friends) because I was scared I would come home around midnight and that would be it. My card game nights on the weekends dried up, people I would spend 8+ hours laughing and enjoying through the night weekly I would now see only every three weeks and leave only after a few hours, always aggitated by anything taking too long and then spend the next three weeks missing them and wanting to go back. I was to intimidated to journey out to the point that I lost a couple friendships out of non connecting. Because I had to choose between spending time cooking, hanging with online friends, working out or going out to eat, my work outs were put off... for months, leading to gaining weight, which only stressed me out more. I suffered from insane lonelyness, both friendship wise and romance wise, but I had neither the time nor the energy anymore to commit to them.

This is the paranoia that was killing me for three years. Every 6 or so months I wouldnt be able to keep it in and had a legitament break down, taking 1-2 days off from work, crying and screaming in my appartment till late at night as the stress was constantly piling on, sleeping till noon out of depression, only to tell myself when I eventually came out of it that I would be better going forward, only to lose more. The first was when a friend ranted at me for being a hermit, just staying home and never hanging out like we used too. Another time was when my parents took concern that I didnt seem to be looking for any kind of romance like I was in college, meanwhile my siblings were already engaged and married, it wasnt like they are pressuring me wrongly, I used to be all about dating in college and make it known that I want to get into a relationship, it was an innocent inquiry that never the less caused a pit in my stomach that ruined me once I got home. A third happened when my grandparents called me because I missed my first easter gathering with the family in my life, and with my grandparents in their later 80s I know I dont have much time left with them. The fourth and worst was when my phone's battery died, my car charger wasnt working and I was stuck in traffic for an hour due to an accident ahead, I truely think I felt the brink of sanity as I screamed into a jacket in my car, hyperventilating and seeing colors. Each led to a break down, each time getting progressively worst and was hidden behind my smiling face and convenient excuses. It took my parents realizing that something was wrong to actually get the help needed. They confronted me when they came over and saw that I didnt have any food in my fridge and my garbage was all take out or microwave meals, forcing my last breakdown infront of them which was when they got me help. I was overworking myself and stressed about time so immensly that I had let my social life, my health and my sanity get stretched too thin. I had to speak to a counselor about it all, work on myself, and make necessary sacrifices to get through the last 6 months before I could finally move.

I made it though, I moved closer to work, my three and a half hour comute became a simple 50 minuites both ways, I was able to get an earlier shift, meaning I would get up an hour later then I usually would, get to work earlier and leave around 4, getting home 4:30 each weekday. Sleep became more comfortable and I found new ways to get back into socializing with others as I no longer felt so pressured and compressed.

I made it out but it was a maddening 3 years. Its natural to get lost in a routine, just make sure you get reminded of whats importatant and take care of yourself.

/r/NoStupidQuestions Thread