Oh god yes! This is a long-ish story so be prepared. And yes it is all relevant, hold tight okay.
As a child (toddler or so) I was sexually abused by multiple people because my mother was a single parent working two jobs to support me and my ftm brother. This meant that in order to make ends meet, she would have to leave us with shady babysitters.
We lived in a small town, so it was difficult to find a good babysitter or daycare that was “safe”. Most of the time when it happened it was the older kids that were doing it to me. Or the babysitters much older kids. One of the assaults was by my mothers at the time boyfriend.
When I was 18 years old, my mom and I got into a huge argument because she was prioritizing her marriage over her children’s well-being. Again. Our nana P was there because I had called her after it had gotten physical, because I didn’t want to call the cops. I remember just screaming in the angriest bloody murder tone, “we never meant anything to you! It didn’t matter what happened to us! You would let us go and give us up to anyone. And stay with any man that was good enough for you! And any man that would touch me and traumatize your son! I didn’t fucking matter then! We don’t fucking matter now!”
She had to walk away for a bit to gain her composure. And left me in the bathroom with nana P. We a funny stupid conversation we had about how the poor dogs had to listen to our screaming and how it wasn’t fair that the dogs had to witness it. It ended in me telling her that I was tired of the shit that goes on between my mom and step father, and that she has always chosen him over us. Even after the abuse he’s put us through. And that she’s done this since I can remember. As well as telling her that my mom was with at least like 4 different guys from the time I was like 3-7. And she’s never been able to be single. And one of those men touched me as a child.
Always leave it to nana P to knock some sense into my mom about how she needs to put her kids first and fix the relationship with step dad either quick or not at all. Nana P then leaves the bathroom so I could tell my mom about what happened when I was little.
After I told her she told me that she can only believe one of them. Which was the man she dated. And told me that my mind had made up other scenarios because I went through that trauma. Then told me that she would have panic attacks about how a man at a resort or whatever was too nice and her parents drilled into her that he was a predator. Told me that none of it happened because she had me checked whenever she suspected that I was molested. And nothing ever showed up.
And ever since then, even though I can remember the assaults happening so fucking vividly, I continue to doubt it even actually happened. Even though they paralyze me and make me pass out after panic attacks and flashbacks. Its a mind fuck.