does anyone feel like he's existing or surviving rather than living?

I'm closing in on 30.

I've had a mild to moderate anxiety since my late teens. Success has always felt like it was measured differently at different stages of my life.

Teens and early 20's felt like it was all about getting laid and doing drugs and being with friends. It felt right. I was good at it.

Then everyone started to move away and pursue college. I didn't have the grades, and I had a debilitating medical issue from birth which kept me from continuing my education and really hampered my social life. I was pretty sure my medical issue would kill me.

My lifelong prophecy almost came true. I came within 24 hours from dying from my medical problem when I was in my mid-late twenties. I had to elect myself for a very specific surgical procedure that would save my life, but further set me apart from normal people.

When I went in to the surgery, I could hardly get out of bed.. I was living alone in a 2 bedroom apartment in a city hours away from my family and friends. I had no steady job or prospects because I was sure I was about to die. In one last desperate attempt at living, I drove the several hours back to my hometown and had my parents take me to the local hospital.

They performed the surgery, and I'm still here today. Once it was over, I thought my social life was still completely done. Who would ever want to be with me after all this? I literally cried like a baby for days. I was sure I couldn't even go out with friends ever again.

Somehow I was wrong. I met the girl of my dreams. I've been with her for several years now, and I love her more everyday. She's asleep in the other room right now as I write this.

Now I'm almost 30, I've defied all logic and ended up with everything I could have ever wanted, but I feel like I'm failing. I can't hold a job, I struggle to socialize because of my surgery. I'm scared to sit in a classroom full of other people to get a degree, and I think I'm running out of time to get things together and live a normal life.

All my friends have careers or are in law school/getting phds. Here I am, just recently fired from a job and no idea where I'm going to get another one. When I was in my early 20's, going job to job wasn't so bad. I felt I still had time to get my shit together.

Now I feel more pressure than ever before. How can I somehow pull something together to keep my girlfriend and family secure and happy? How can I make them proud of me, or me proud of myself?

All I can think of right now at 3:00 AM.. is to just keep trying. I can't give up after all this. I must find a way. Tomorrow I need to wake up, and finish this online class even if it's not what I want to do as a career. That is a little step.

Then I want to go take my dog for a hike. Not a walk around the block and back in my cold, dark house. A hike through the fucking woods in the mountains. Something my dog will remember. Another little step.

Then maybe on Tuesday, I will open a bank account with my final paycheck from my last job and keep money in it, instead of letting it bleed dry. I will dedicate a portion to savings. Untouchable from myself. Another step.

I will keep looking for a new job, just to keep afloat while I take these little steps to keep myself going.

What else can I do? I have to go on. This is the only way I can see success in my future. I hope you all have a good day.

I'm going to bed, to start my first steps towards a greater goal tomorrow. Wish me luck.

/r/Anxiety Thread