I have definitively without a doubt changed for the worse and struggle trying to get back on track.

In high school I was very motivated and ambitious. I would read the paper, business magazines, business books in hopes that one day I would start my own paper (even tried starting mini businesses in high school with no success...but I was trying).

I was teaching myself about how to set up corporations, finance, how manage people and broad spectrum of "ideas".

Note that I was also very straight edge in high school. 100% against alcohol and drugs.

I was interviewing at ivy league schools (Didn't get in though, ending up going to a reputable state school).

My first year in college I was in several different clubs and organizations (Marketing, Newspaper, and a paintball one for fun where I was treasurer, co editor, and some other position I forget).

I, however, was never good at socializing (and not that great now) and at some point I convinced myself that I was "missing out on my youth". I started to make some friends, and I began drinking (My family has a history of alcohol abuse).

I began to do the normal "young people activities" and began drinking and partying though I still stayed away from drugs. I wasn't as adamant as learning outside of school and figured as long as I was passing classes, I was learning things. Never mind that I was barely keeping up a B average.

I convinced myself, I'll only be young once and I don't want to have regrets.

A couple summers later, a friend (who was always against drug use) and began to experiment with marijuana and I decided to try it as well (Note, I don't believe marijuana is bad per se or a gateway drug).

I started to become the typical pothead and it completely sapped my drive and ambition. I couldn't think straight but it was fun. I stopped reading any books and just felt that I would get back on track after college.

Well, I graduated but my GPA was low and I had a poor major that didn't fit my personality and is a "soft" major with no real tangible skill set.

I got a job as a manager which I hated. This was when K2 was popular and I decided to try it. Had a bad trip, imagined my death and became severely depressed in which I lost my job, wouldn't get out of bed for 22hrs a day, self medicated with weed and alcohol. I also developed a severe social anxiety in which if I felt the cashier was going to say "hi", I would put my stuff away and walk out of the store.

I moved away to live with my uncle and for a yr I was sober. I left to move in with a roommate and immediately began drinking again (as I wasn't able to when I lived with my uncle).

We moved into a major city, made some friends which accessed harder drugs and began drinking and doing those pretty much every night (molly, acid).

It's has become physically worse and dependent recently but I' m still able to work, pay my bills (barely) and continue to go forward.

I stop everything for usually around 1 wk or 2 wks but that's generally as far as I can go and typically I am just super motivated, ambitious again if I can stop. I feel it's more of a mental dependency than a physical one (though I am beginning to see the affects).

This felt good to get off my chest.