PIs, dogs got paws cutted + poisoned, using medical privilege to access my files, friends got payed etc... Our mind is ready to face it again but reality doesn't always match and whenever it does it reinforces those defense mechanisms. What is a good day ? Hypervigilance, paranoia, fear or else ? I'm rambling.

The only thing I know : the more you prepare, the more you give in into the fear, you feed it. It's hard to let go of this convoluted reassuring behavior because it is reminiscent of our prior hopelessness and lack of control over our lives. We can't let our guard down.

Learning to fight isn't a bad skill to learn but if it's out of fear of getting beaten again... I don't know. You could find some gentle martial art and learn the proper technique without hurting yourself too much. Knowledge is really good for self-defense and could be enough for some situations. The outcome of a fight is often more about your willingness to "maim" the other than about your fighting skills. Training the mind is really key in fighting.

Have you ever read books about the philosophy behind martial arts ? It could help ground your self-defense needs in a more self-caring and healing approach.

You need grounding. Nothing can ever entirely be in our control, this path knows no end and we obviously recognize it. I hope we find a way where no bunker is needed.