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Dakin said that over the years he had had a big problem convincing Marcy that I liked her. I reminded him of how rude Marcy had been all along and of my distress years before at Cara's ballet recital. In another conversation, I told him that I had never said a word against Marcy except that she is an abuser. (I have mentioned to him a number of times that Marcy's shunning me is abuse.)
He literally contradicted himself in two sentences.
At this time, and later, when our marriage (FIL and MIL) seemed to be doomed, he was unmoved. It was hard for me to believe that he (son) didn't make an effort to mend my relationship with him and his family in the face of such a threat.
I feel FIL should've been more concerned with mending his relationship with MIL.
As Christmas was approaching, I told Lois that I didn't want to spend another Christmas Eve like the last one. I said that I would not resist her being gone any other day or night but that Christmas Eve was special. If Lois insisted on going, I would go on a cruise. In the back of my mind was my feeling that I wasn't scoring any points. Lois told Dakin what I had said. He was incensed. He said that another time wouldn't do. He wanted Lois on Christmas Eve. Since I was an atheist, I shouldn't care....Arnie thought that my threat of taking a cruise was out of proportion. I would be gone for two weeks in response to Lois's being gone one night, he said. I responded, "Two weeks don't make up for the injury of being alone Christmas Eve. Most of the country is observing it as families. Even though I am an atheist, I don't want to be left out."
I can understand not wanting to be alone during the holidays, but this really comes off as "I need attention, look at me!"
The next year Dakin and Marcy again invited Lois at Christmas time, though not exactly on the day of Christmas Eve. Lois hired a driver to take her. Again, an opportunity was presenting itself for me to take offense at Lois' disloyalty. Then an idea popped into my head. As soon as Lois and the driver had left the house, I ran down to the car and headed for Dakin and Marcy's house, arriving there in advance of Lois and the driver.
Seriously? They actually tried to compromise with your pissy needs and it STILL isn't enough!
Lois and the driver continued to sit in the car, and various family came out and talked with them and then went back in. I continued to look on. Then, after about forty-five minutes, the driver slowly backed the car out of the driveway, and they left. I was suspicious that they were pulling a fast one and would return once I was out of sight, so I circled around for ten or fifteen minutes, after which I decided that they had really left, and I returned home. Lois was there waiting for me. I said, "Why did you come home?" She said, "I didn't want you looking in the windows." I said, "I wouldn't have done that. It would have been trespassing." My success in this episode has been one of my few satisfactions in all this sorry business.
I can't believe she wanted to leave him! /s
As soon as Dakin and Lois had left the apartment, I sped down the stairs (we live on the fifth floor) and out to the car. Cara, who was driving, rolled down the window, and I could see Marcy sitting next to her. I pointed and shouted, "Shame! Evil! Shame! Evil! . . ." All the family blamed me for my immoderate behavior, but I have never regretted it.
Of course he doesn't regret it. I doubt he is capable of remorse. Can't feel sorry if you've never done anything wrong!
Lois and I were not getting along. I blamed her for labeling me as prejudiced a year and a half before. I blamed her for declaring to Dakin that I would attack Marcy at the funeral home. I blamed her for leaving me behind when she went to Dakin and Marcy's house. I blamed her for sticking up for Marcy.
He isn't responsible for anything he's done, other people are.
I had read a newspaper article in response to the Littleton, Colorado, killings that I thought Arnie should read. The article was about bullying. It struck a note with me, because I felt bullied by Marcy. Instead of trying to make an accommodation with me, she took every opportunity to insult me, and to me this was bullying. The article said that friends should stand up for victims of bullying. I showed the article to Arnie. He responded, "This is goofy."
First, I have learned about the weak affections of my wife and son. Can this learning be construed as a positive result? I believe that it can. I am better able to deal with Lois than I ever was, because I understand her better. I see her as she really is, not as some artificial construct in my mind. I see our relationship as full of fault. This isn't to say that I don't still think she's adorable. I do. I love her, as I always have, but who she is and who I am are clearer to me.
Is Marcy's a character problem, or is she insane? Over the years Lois and I have tossed this question back and forth. Lois has often maintained that Marcy is insane, pointing to her irrational rudeness and despotism. I, on the other hand, have maintained that her problem is a character problem. Granted, she is irrationally rude and controlling. However, if she was insane, we would see evidence of some identifiable mental disorder. Being rude and controlling can hardly be classified as a mental disorder. The reason that I think that she has a character problem is that we can see the same type of character problem world-wide. The dedication that religious people in general devote to their religion can be seen in such conflicts as those between the Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland, between the Muslims and Hindus in Pakistan and India, between Sunnis and Shiites in Iraq, and between the Jews and Arabs in the Middle East. These people have no overarching world view. To them, their tribal practices are universal. How can these religious people be so intolerant, even to the extent of killing offenders and non-believers? A parallel question: why does Marcy feel so endangered by my atheism?
Parents who give advice to their adult children are sometimes told by their adult children, "Mind your own business. Don't tell me what to do (how to raise my children). You raised your children. Now let me raise mine." This response reveals that these adult children still think of themselves as children, subject to the parents' control. In truth, both parents and children are now adults. Parents have a right (even obligation) to be real persons with their adult children. They have a right to speak their minds, as they would to any other adult. The mature response of adult children who hear advice from their parents is either, "Thanks. I'll consider that" or "That doesn't sound like a good idea to me." The response "Don't tell me what to do" is an immature response. Adult children who get angry at their parents' advice feel disciplined, as they did as children. Parents who give them advice and get this response need to explain to their adult children that the children are no longer under their parents' control. The parent is expressing an opinion, as one adult to another. The child is under no obligation to follow the advice. If the child rejects the parent's advice, they have agreed to disagree. If the parent and the adult child both see themselves as equals, no harm is done. Adults have expressed their opinions to one another....If I had the power to put words into Marcy's mouth, this is what I would have her say to me: "I will be glad to hear any advice that you have to give me. People have a right to express their opinions without repercussions. What I do with it is, of course, up to me, since Dakin and I are in charge of our family. I do thank you for being concerned about us."
Controlling behavior can be seen every day. It begins between parents and child. Since the child is helpless and in danger, the parents exercise control over him or her. Often, they control the child longer than they should. Parents who care more about their own power than the welfare of their children fall into this trap. The child, for his or her part, instead of being - and feeling - independent, looks to the parent for direction and guidance in all things and grows up still feeling controlled. An example: Arnie was (I thought) underdressed when we went outdoors, so I said to him, "Arnie, you need to be more warmly dressed." He responded, "Dad, you let me decide how I'm going to dress." I said, "The final decision is yours, but I have a right to my opinion."
After what I read all above this, this is making noooooo sense how he is able to not see how much of a hypocrite he is.
Lois died on October 18, 2010...he [Dakin] never visited me after Lois died. This has all been too much for me. When Dakin called a few days ago, I let the phone ring. I think that it is now time to be unavailable to his and Marcy's hostilities.
Tl:dr Holy shit he is crazy and claims he's grown from all this but it doesn't seem he's grown in any healthy way. And sorry this was long af.