Why Does It Feel So Painful?

Yes ofcourse strong attachements, and not to particular things so much as to reality itself and ultimately self-hood itself. All other attachements are just superficial pretend-aspects of these real underlying attachements. Self ego/seeing what's not/misinterpreted reality (same thing}) is the only attachement really..

I got diagnosed as incapable for work and my finances got severly ruined (as every other aspect of my life) and I live in hellish welfare poverty now, with dept and bills Im unable to pay. It seems almost laughable that anyone could go through this and keep their regular life such as work and relationships in order, but who knows. I wouldn't hope or put my money on it. But I dont really know. You kind of just get stripped of believing to know anything. And theres nothing transcendental, thrilling or exciting about it.

If you don't have to ignite this process, if you're not burning inside and cannot but not do it, Id strongly advise against it. I think that most people who rush into this without knowing what it entails (which is impossible to know before you're in this tormenting being-ripped-apart freefall) either go really schizophrenia crazy, commit suicide or end up as severe substance abusers. This is some serious serious shit and unless your life is living hell, steer away from it. 12 years of hellish hellish tragic hell with no guarantee of success, getting completely alienated from everything/everyone else in this 'world'.

Be careful what you want because you'll get it, and you'll regret being born and it shall make you mad hehe. And Im serious as hell here. I'm just laughing at the insanity and abdurdity of it all.

If anyone has gone through this phase and has some encouraging instructions or insights, you're more than welcome to spit it out.

Jmk and his books have ruined my life but that life was a shithole anyway (even though it was quite thrilling and fun for a while too) so in the end you just become emptied, flushed, dead except all but in a physical sense. And dare I believe this amazing 'adulthood' and creative expression comes afterwards? Hell no haha. It seems like a load of horseshit. It very much seems that Im getting more and more stuck with and around these sewer-creatures humans, my energy is drained by them, I feel as Im under constant radiation poisoning from their energies and have close to no energy most of the time.

So dude, dont go into this for fun or the thrill of it or look at it as a challenge. If you got a life you're happy with to a certain degree and have some purpose and meaning, MAYBE it is better to keep it that way. I emphasize maybe because in this process you end up not knowing anything, so all my advice are ultimately rambling farts. As are Jed's and everyone else's.

Perhaps I'll have something else to say in a couple of months or years but 7-8 years into this now, this is my honest experience of it all. I have a lot more and a lot more foul and shocking things to say on the matter but Ive learned to keep the really foul shit to myself. Its soul crushing and dangerous, unrecoverable-from realisations, and one will be punished for talking about it. Some things we can only figure out on our own and keep very quiet about it. Even here, I've said too much. And I'll leave you at that. Don't rush into this.

/r/JedMcKenna Thread Parent