they say there are no rules in grief. what a know-it-all thing to say. if there are not rules, fine, then there are facts. i'll never see him again. i'll never talk to him again. i'll never hear his voice again. i'll never smell him again. i'll never hug him again. i'll never kiss him again. i'll never practice philosophy with him again. we'll never fantasize together again. we make no more plans. we never argue anymore. there's no more worrying. it's replaced with regret. which is worse because there is no hope. there's no more music... forever seems more and more daunting. it seems to be a bigger and bigger animal every day. where he's gone, there is no way to follow. he's taken the most final step that we know. huge balls. he's stepped into another realm. maybe into one where he can see me, but one where i cannot see him. maybe. there are no guarantees. there is no certainty that anything else exists. nothing defined. nothing known... heeuge balls. i'd follow if i could. if i could leave and be with him, i would. if i knew that's how it could work out, but, there's no way it's that linear, if it is an it, or can even be defined at all. i miss him. i hope he's happy. i do hope so. i don't mean that in a snide way or anything like that. i really hope he's happy, smiling, laughing, singing and dancing wherever he is. exploring, writing, teaching... being himself and free from everything that tore him apart here. he carved "FTW" into the back of his hand while he was locked up at that mind-fuck, cross creek. Fuck The World. i don't think he ever fully discredited that thought. why would he? look at this place. look at this horse shit circus we struggle to smile through every day. anyone with a conscience and love in their heart must find this a very difficult place to be stuck their whole life. "Fuck it", indeed. that's the only way to get through a single day. you gotta say "fuck it" several times just to get through. assimilate or die. that's the choice we have. you have to sacrifice some part of your dignity just to get through a single day of this shit. and folks wonder why good people can be so sad... how can so many people be so blind and totally content being blindly led by blind, ignorant, self-righteous assholes? this is just an example, and one small piece of a huge problem, but it keeps popping into my head every now and then: 2pac has been dead over 20 years and his music is still relevant. if he was unknown a couple of years ago and blew up this month, he'd be just as relevant as he was then, and he'd still be targeted by the media and killed by cops. i really think it would happen today like it did 20 years ago because his message is still just as relevant because things are just as bad, if not worse. i have this theory that 2pac can finally rest in peace only when his message is no longer relevant. when his music stops being relevant, that's when 2pac can finally rest in peace. if he was alive today he'd still be fighting the same fight because SHIT HASEN'T CHANGED! can you imagine 2pac with a twitter account? Can you imagine him with the power of current social media? can you imagine how big of a "problem" he would be if "me against the world" just dropped last year? can you imagine how many rappers would just be fucking jobless? "shit, we should be so lucky.." i was going to say i don't know how that pertains to this thing i started writing, but it's a conversation i want to have with him. so that's how it pertains. so instead, i just have the conversation with myself, and let my frustration fester and my imagination run amok all over my brain, poking it with some cluster of thorns on the end of a stick, making me want to smash my face into the desk until my nose stays flat for a good 30 seconds, and all my thoughts are completely saturated with sharp, physical pain. i think that's what life is probably like for anyone with a conscience and progressive thought patterns haunting them. i'm not trying to say i think progressively more so than anyone else or that my conscience is anything to be proud of. my brother though, he fought everything he knew was wrong every day of his life. the fact is that we're all ahead of our time, because in a lot of ways, we're all stuck, living in the past. we're all living in a fucked-up, dysfunctional framework of civilization and social control that we are all well aware of, and know is not healthy, but old power and money wants to never change. we all want to be 100% individualistic, legit and original while fitting into some social frame or another so we don't feel alone and isolated. we want it all. we want it both ways, and we all want change, but we cant decide how we want it. no consensus can be made. so nothing happens... weed becomes a little more "ok" in a few more states, while we allow the biggest piece of shit we could find into our presidential office. ??? priorities, people, priorities... you were already smoking. no one really gives a shit if you want to get high. it's not in the least bit hard to find. i think it was better before legalization and regulation, and the best buds probably aren't even for legal sale. '04 to '05 i saw the best buds i've ever seen. buds on roids! fluffy purple haze buds as big as a construction workers fist. a half pound of orange bud buds, all as big as my forearm. blueberry widow that made me hallucinate. pretty cool, huh? you're president is a racist, sexist, bigot with ulterior business motives, jackass. that's something none of us can hide. we all have to own that shit. i think the rest of the world must be looking at us like, "huh.. wow, hmmm... oooohhh kaaayyy...", baffled, and even more so than we play it up as. i've got to end this tangent. it's just.. crying.. fear.. people wearing safety pins... jesus christ, you fucking, do-nothing babies, i bet he goes two terms. alright, i'm done. sorry, not sorry. i can't even remember what i was originally thinking about now. i'm going to take a break. did i mention i was ollin? yes, that is the case. per usual for these thoughts. bear with me. bear with me... um... there are no rules in grief. lol