But it’s not my fucking fault. Fuck this piece of shit fucking rapist I hope he fucking dies. I don’t wish rape on ANYONE BUT rapists. I hope every sense of security and self is fucking stolen from them, along with their souls as they sit lifeless wondering if their body is theirs. I hope he fucking rots inside out. I hope he gets gntted and shit shoved down his throat. I hope the worst, most vile and cruel death he could never endure, one that would make the strongest person vomit just from HEARING about the crime scene.
I hate that I couldn’t go to the cops. My mom didn’t want to be charged for underage distribution of alcohol. No CPS again. I wanted to tell my boyfriend what happened to me because it was so fucking traumatizing and life altering, but my mom said “he wouldn’t understand”; and he doesn’t. I still believe he blames me for being raped. He told me what was I expecting? My own boyfriend. But that’s what I get for stopping down to his level.
My mom’s sick of me too. She was so tired of how being raped affected me. Sleeping in the same room I was raped in, and yet she told me I couldn’t keep holding on to it. Lmao.
I found out that the second time I was raped, my mom was awake that night. While I was being raped, my mom was right next door. 2 years later, she told me she knew he went to “check on me”. She never questioned why he never came back, never even came to check on me herself, even after I had alcohol poisoning.
And then 2022, she tells me I should’ve listened. It’s my fault because I didn’t listen to her. I blew up. I told her if she had listened to me in the first place, about the first time I tried to tell her about being raped, ABOUT NOT FUCKING INVITING HIM OVER, MAYBE I WOULDVE BEEN FUCKING SAFE. If my dad was here, he would’ve protected me.
I feel so small. 2022 I had an abortion. My boyfriend put me in an ultimatum to choose him or my baby. I’m no good person, I wouldn’t have been a good mother, even though I so desperately wanted a family with my partner. I just want a family to care for, one I can protect. I couldn’t even protect my son from myself. I have so much fucking regret.
Now, my mom threatens to kick me out whenever I don’t want to engage in an argument. I still have self esteem issues and I haven’t even written a quarter of what the fuck went wrong. Sometimes I feel so hopeless and don’t even know where to start or look up. I fucking hate how I can’t get help here in America, I fucking hate this all so much. I hate feeing like my happiness will be stolen from me.
TLDR; I’m a fucking mess and I don’t even know where to start to build myself back up.