I don’t know if I’m actually polyamorous.

Thanks so much for this thoughtful response! It is nice to hear of a story where this kind of dynamic works out and from the perspective of someone who has also gotten married young and been with their partner for a longer period of time. Logically, I understand that you are right and that I am lucky to have found a nice person at a young age. If I didn’t think relationships were work, I wouldn’t be married.

Just to clarify a couple things from my original vent, there are some unmet needs in my current relationship that I know that my husband will never be able to give me (having put in lots of work & discussion regarding these needs). I am feeling a bit of grief lately in knowing this. And that is where some of the confusion lies: if it came down to it and I didn’t find another partner, would I be okay with having those needs unmet the rest of my life?

The only thing I did want to touch on was this section: “It sounds like you may have some very particular needs which might be hard to meet given your troubled background which might make it even more difficult. I know a lot of people who consider that a deal breaker. A friend of mine once told me why he broke up with his GF Like "yea, she's great, but she has some deep seeded issues. Not her fault, her family messed her up, but I'm not sure I have the skills or energy to try to fix that." And I think a lot of people think this way.”

To clarify, my background was chaotic. I am not my background thanks to a lot of therapy and work. My needs might be informed by my background, but overall, they have changed a lot as I have aged & come into myself.

What I once needed from a partner, particularly the stability that my marriage once afforded me, is not necessarily what I need 5 years later because of the deep work that I have done on myself, etc.

This is not to say that someone is not going to see me and be like “wow, you are way too much for me” (because that’s 900% likely), just that I am not “messed up” or riddled with “deep seeded issues.”

/r/polyamory Thread Parent