If I am haunted by the thoughts of making a joke to my ex at the start of the relationship that was slightly cruel and self serving. I think I would kill myself if I thought back to having done something like this to someone..... that being said.... she was abuser and I do not wish her to be dead, however she was abused when she was younger and I always wanted the person dead who did that when we were together.... and even after everything she did... I still want that.... I dunno.... Fuck. So complicated.

I don't like having sex either to tell the truth because of what happened and I feel really vulnerable saying that so publicly but its ok.... what ever.