I had the urge the contact her really badly today, I wrote like 3 or 4 different drafts. Then I spent hours debating on wether I should send the email or not. I felt terrible and couldn't snap out of it. Ultimately, even though I wanted it, I didn't. Why? Because I knew I'd feel worse, waiting for a reply, if I even got one at all.

She's the one who dumped me, but we had been getting closer lately. She even admitted to still having feelings for me and stuff. That was 6 weeks ago. I told her I felt the same but I needed some time because I wanted to be careful and take it slow. We didn't show each other any affection since then (romantically) but I thought that was part of taking it slow. We still talked every day and stuff. Then last week she slept with another guy, got his number and basically told me she just saw me as a friend during the last couple of weeks. If I still 'wanted her' I should've made it clear. Of course I get emotional and she makes me feel like I'm the only one to blame. Like she's the one who's sick of me and my behaviour. Then she blocked me and was gone.

No matter what she says or does, even if I hate it, I'm so attached to her that I keep giving in. I'm the one who keeps apologising for something she started. I'm the one who keeps explaining myself for stuff I shouldn't even have to explain. It's pathetic, but I can't help it. At least I'm becoming more aware of it.