The thing is I've been through the cycle of just do something a million times, it just ends up with me back in my bed at some point. Always back to this fucking bed. Thinking. Thinking. Always fucking thinking. I don't want to think anymore. A fucking labotomy sounds good right about now. Better than literally anything else atm. I'm fucking done thinking and trying to solve problems that just become more problems or are replaced by another one the second it is cleared. I'm going insane. I've been trying to build Rome for the last five years and I've made literally ZERO progress. I have no fucking energy to reach out and get help. Even if I could, I was fucked up as a kid so I keep everything to myself and I literally cannot talk to anyone about it. Like a stammerer can't get his words out. I'm pretty sure I'd have a nervous breakdown / full blown panic attack that would break my mind. I'm serious. I'm 100% confident I'd be in the mental hospital against my will afterwards.
And the thing is right now I'm going through withdrawals from my 2 antidepressants, off of them for the second day now. I'm fully aware of the symptoms / side affects of it, and it's the reason for my severely low mood. My PROBLEM is that everything I'm thinking is logically true, regardless of mood, it just didn't stick around or bother me or something while on antidepressants. (Also my mood has never been this low before taking antidepressants, yay medicine. Does this mean that any good feeling I feel in the future will always be at the risk of a huge crash? Aka you don't get something for nothing. If so, fuck that)
I'm not gonna fucking kill myself, I'm just pissed now. I am fucking pissed and fed up and feel like crying how I have basically no control over my life or even myself. My adhd makes me fuck up, my anxiety makes me avoid people / situations that I fucked up, and my depression keeps me in bed and so I feel fucking ashamed which rapes my self esteem. Later, rinse, repeat until you went from a happy young man to a fucking shell of himself that seriously is debating if life objectively is worth it and we're all not just being tricked into existing by chemicals that were chosen for by natural selection.