That last line “it just made being honest with myself and her that much worse” sounds like you already get it and know what to do and why it’s so difficult to do. Doing it is the hard part. Im not saying that cause I’m “so smart” I’m just saying it because I’ve been there myself. And it’s an awful feeling to have. But hey, at least you’ll be on your way to feeling better instead of being stuck in hellish relationship oblivion. Well, and to be honest this is the kind of stuff that grows you into the person you wanna be. Fucked up innit? Gotta go through the shit to go where you wanna go. Wish you the best and good luck with it. This is hard stuff.