I don't know how to cope with this

You're welcome but really Thank You sister cause you just helped remind me about how crucial life is and how easily we all can feel isolated and defective to the point of dark, dark thoughts when really, all we need is a chance to see outside out world, care for another, allow messy feelings and uncertainty to flow regarding loss of life or hope. Its such tragedy that you , I, and many others almost took away our own lives because we couldn't be tough like the others then were too tough with others in different context. Scary is it all can seem messy with no guidebook. But there is. Be nice to one another. Don't try to solve everything. Allow people to say and do crappy things without attacking them, see them as hurt kids too even if 99. Wealth money and power are empty lies. Love is care and respect, not romance. Etc etc: surrounding us in accessible free books are countless people with the keys but also, our hearts know what's right. Its the brain confusing ego with self, and over thinking when in a challenge. Could take all lifetime or five minutes, but when life hands you the feels and lessons of that deer calling out, and everything you had to contemplate and feel, those ugly scary thoughts, they Are what life is all about. Your trial of responsibility you put on yourself changed you as a person a bit all for the best but while you wrote so negative about you, you showed us and the universe your heart and intentions. It takes time to figure out siblings and combative relationship solutions. It takes finding out you're the bad guy sometimes and owning it. It takes discovery that anxiety and anger still exist and you still desire at first to defend by counter attack, but its your self controlled response, not reaction that changes bad relationships and eventually fosters a life less cluttered by conflict. Its an evolution that oddly requires disharmony first. We have to shed our defeatism and be well with us before things flow naturally with others. And, like the hippie comment about the beautiful arrangement you had done, we also have to accept crap things said in fear or to distract themselves or plain ignorance, that will bother us, and to turn resentment or anger into education to that person, with knowledge they may not want to be educated on how that makes you feel. We can't teach care like you have. We can foster and encourage it, but we cant organically hand it to someone. And by care I also mean especially all your dark thoughts and evaluations of yourself.

That dark can be the last time you ever visit it again if you'd like. Life is really weird: you can learn enough to one day actively pronounce, you're tired and done with strife and fighting yourself or sisters. It with happen but you won't escalate and will keep in mind the sorrow of suicidal thought, of that deer calling out, of that deer mom, and know some petty fight isn't worth it. Your sisters will respond over time to any change in approach you have to them bit they have pattens to change. Be the bigger gal and feel pride later you saw the transformation in you, extend to them, and your desire to self fix and have value due to this deer - is still there and very much alive.

That deer can be your symbol and metaphor for both you, and how your respect for its life and tore up being told can't go back to till morning, impacted many lives to come for the better.

It can be a defining moment in your life. Wouldn't it be awesome years from now to hear from your sisters and Dad how they noticed the change in you ever since that fawn showed up in the back yard, how we got along better, got to know each other instead of the roles and habits we fell into?

Be well sister. ;) goodnight

/r/self Thread Parent