Same but I think that's just depression. We fight against for years and years. I never wanted to die I am just exhausted from pain. I've been tired of hating myself and exhausted from anxiety for 30 years. As soon as some conflict comes up I'm 5 again and helpless to any consequence that comes along with sticking up for myself so I don't. Anytime I think of speaking up for myself I can feel my lips vibrating from being freshly busted. I'm sorry you feel like this too. I have a large compacity for love and I love you because you exist and maybe this is a weird way to reach out but maybe we can mean and be more by being kind and understanding. Maybe if we can't love ourselves the next best thing is to love everyone else.