I don't know what to do about this girl.

I've been in a polyamorous relationship with the same person for over 4 years. We lived together for most of that time, but she just moved out. It's a change we decided our relationship needed. Within the first week of moving out she started falling in love with someone else, hard. My entire concept of this relationship and what my future is going to look like has been totally uprooted and rearranged during this first month of separation. Things I took for granted have vanished into thin air, new doors have opened that I didn't know existed, I've been challenged in ways I've never seen, etc. It hasn't all been bad, it's just change.

My point here is that in life you'll suffer less heartache if you live in the future like that. There is one person in the entire universe whose actions you can control, and you should take care of that person.

You know what you're going to do, with or without her smile? Everything. Your capabilities and happiness are not bounded by other people, certainly not other people who don't even have a structural significance in your life (i.e. roommates, share bills, co-parent).

My advice would be this: don't bother her by text until she gets back to campus. When she gets back to campus, try to orchestrate an in-person interaction. Be honest with yourself about her body language and tone. If she isn't enthusiastic, is avoiding eye contact, or is non-committal about plans, get out of there; if she laughs at stuff you're saying (especially if it's not actually that funny) or touches your arm, you're on the right track. But the thing you need to be most prepared to do is walk away from the situation, if for no other reason than 99.99% of the people we meet in life are not our soul mates.

Good luck dude. I'm four years older than you and I can tell you the heartache stuff gets easier as your life stabilizes and you learn more about yourself. I would strongly recommend investing in yourself if you aren't already doing it -- starting a gym routine and joining a band were two incredibly valuable things I did which raised my self confidence. Step outside your comfort zone. All the cliches are true, unfortunately, at least in my own personal experience. This is also a more controversial suggestion, but I would also recommend experimenting with psychedelics like acid and shrooms for anyone who really wants to get in touch with themselves -- I've found those experiences extraordinarily valuable in my lifetime.

So I guess to sum this up: people are unpredictable, everything is temporary, but these facts don't have to be sad at all -- in fact they can take a lot of the pressure off if you think about it. We're all just hurtling toward death, none of this fucking matters, so don't let some hyper-idealized image of this girl's smile take up a significant amount of space in your mind because that shit really doesn't matter.

/r/SeriousConversation Thread