**continued
youre still the same bullied loser from middle school, and the same sucker in high school. Yeah, my personality may have mellowed out a lot more but so what. Yeah, I can make friends but keeping them is harder. I feel like everyone's too busy with themselves and their original friends to really care about the extra. Everythings fun when youre at a party together, but they dont care about the afterwards. I dont really know what my problem is. Shouldnt I feel satisfied that I can at least go out and feel unburdened and party? Be with people I supposedly considered friends? This semester I had 15 units. I also work almost fulltime. After Bass Canyon (music festival) i decided I wasnt going to do drugs anymore and I wouldnt party and I was going to focus on myself. School started right after i came back from bass canyon. Awesome. And I did do really well, 4 classes, all of them A's. Taking that t break? Well, not so much. In the month of Bass Canyon, I dropped about 8ish pills. Which isnt too bad, but mix that with acid, 2cb, yay and a bunch of alcohol. How tf did I even keep my As with that. My current GPA is a 2.68, so you can see my grades are average at best. Im not trying to brag here, btw, because its my first time seeing so many As since middle school. So yeah, I got my new job at Din Tai Fung. Today marks my fifth day in a row, or well sixth day since its past midnight. Woohoo.
Honestly life sucks and its a struggle. I live by myself and Tae (my dog) and a roommate whos kind of nonexistent at most times. Im working really hard in schooland work, but idk. I feel like im working too much and I cant handle school, so I dropped one of my classes. Eitherway, I bombed the midterm and i dunno if i could bring it up. (Dropped my grade to a 62%, near F)
Since my job is pretty new, I didnt have money to afford to eat. I spent a good amount of time starving myself because i couldnt spend money on food. I HAVE to have enough in my bank account for rent. Rent is $1075, utilities about $35 & $20. My brother told me my car insurance and phonebill was getting cancelled. Thats another $400 i have to be able to pay for. Before my job at DTF i literally ate a pbj for almost two weeks. One loaf of bread, one jar of jam, one jar of pb. After i started, 9 days = training, and training = free meal. I got my first paycheck last week- $560. (I was working before too, but they gave me shitty hours and poor pay- tried to give me $10/hr but i negotiated it to $12.50)
Idk, maybe I'm being an entitled, spoiled brat. I did have to pay for my own shit in hs, but not stuff like rent, insurance and phone.
Right now, I dont buy that much food- its my fourth day off training but i rewarded myself with a trip to costco and spent $80 for finishing training. Big yikes but i need to eat and thats cheap considering itll feed me for awhile. I dont buy drugs, i dont buy alcohol, i dont buy rave tickets- except one but youll see why. I dont spend money except for on gas, and since i only go to work and home i buy gas like once a week-10days.
Lifes a struggle because... I'm poor, I dont even have health care. I still have a $2500 credit card debt. Im working so hard but it feels like chump change and most of thats going to rent and other adult responsibilities. Im stupid, but i stayed in school and am managing As this sem... but im falling behind in group amd research projects because work takes priority. I even managed to get accepted into the university I really wanted to go to, but can I even afford it? Grants arent enough, books are expensive. Im not going to take a loan because ill be paying for that for the rest of my life.
Why am I working so hard? At work and at school? Its supposed to be for me? But I dont want to do it anymore. I'm so tired. Right now i do things for my dog. To keep the roof over his head, feed him, get him toys, health check ups, shots. But you know what? He could easily be adopted by my ex, who loves him. If it wasnt for him, I could just kill myself. I dont even want to take care of myself. Im tired of spending money to "cope with stress", finding excuses to get to intoxicated out of my mind when I do have money. I dont have hobbies, I dont really talk to anyone anymore unless i get invited out and its pretty rare. Nowadays, even when i see people I get so sick of seeing them and their fake smiles. Im so sick of feeling like i need to entertain people, because noone really cares about how i truly feel. Im tired to trying to talk to my "close" friends and getting generic responses or "idk what to say, sorry". I dont want to hear anymore "maybe you should try therapy". Im sick of waking up to go to working, knowing noones really waiting for me at home. Tae could find another family and itll be big chillin for him. But for me, i just dont know what to do. Im tired of hurting myself and doing dumb things like burning out cigarettes on myself when im high. Tired of struggling in a mental war on acid whether or not i should just grab a knife and slit myself. My mind just wants to punish me for being alive, being a waste, being there. My existence is just a joke and I dont deserve to be here. But my bodys suffered enough physical abuse, inflicted from parents and myself, and its just too scared to do it unless im too gone to care. I cant even kill myself because im too scared to do it. I've been told to love myself, and my ex has been annoyingly persistent about wanting to take care of me and that i need to cherish myself. He gives me apologies about how he wasnt good enough and that I gave him the push to be the better person hes making himself right now. To go to the gym, to have a real goal in the future for himself. But i dont want to hearing motivating things from him. Hes being annoying and I know he wants to get back together but honestly i dont really have a huge interest in guys and i wish the person who was trying to convince me wasnt him. I dont know why I think i can afford to be picky at a time like this. He tries to feed me, buys me cheesecake and asks to hang out all the time or study. Like idk, honestly leaving the house is a huge struggle to me unless i absoutely have to. I usually just sit in my room and the rest of the house is pretty dark. I wont get up unless i need to use the restroom. I have trouble falling asleep properly at night and even when I do fall asleep, I wake up multiple times and its a struggle to fall back asleep. I wake up and i hate myself. What I used to see on acid of my reflection, I start seeing it sober now. I look so tired and fed up and i just look so unhappy. I smile but my eyes are sad. I just want to stay in bed and curl up and shrivel up, die. Idk, something that can take me away from this reality that im alone. I know Taes the goodest boi and hes always there for me, but its not the same. When I date or have a crush, I always take care of that person like im overcompensating for my own inferiority. But idk, i also feel like part of my reason to date is too focus on them and not myself. I can never take that level of "taking care" to myself. Ive also recently stopped talking to a lot of people because a majority of them were guys and I've been to cheap and easy, basically a thot. I threw away my self respect to not be lonely and i learned that while I was on acid. Im done with that lifestyle too tho, so dont slutshame me too bad. Idk. That other acquaintance i talked to mentioned that reddit could help, because it worked for him. Maybe im just dumping a huge load here for strangers to make a meme of. They also suggested therapy and that it works for them, but idk. I grew up not trusting that, asians dont believe in mental illnesses. Then what is this feeling? Should I just go snort a gram then down an OT and find that courage to kill myself? But my best friend told me I would be a coward and im being selfish. I told him time would heal any wounds and this one wouldnt be that big of a deal anyways. I always bitch and groan but in the end, I still do what I always do. Say I'm okay, do my school work, go to work.
Is there anything that can brighten my outlook and give me hope that things can change? That i can live comfortably, find people that would fit my needs as well as I fit theirs? Will things stop being so flimsy and fickle? The whole fake it til you make it thing worked for my confidence and self esteem, but it hella fell off once i realized that i didnt really get anywhere. Yeah, im not that goody two shoes straightedge asian kid anymore and its easier to talk to people, but then what? Noone really wants to stay friends unless they can use you for things, for status, for connections, or to make themselves look better. If i cant kill myself, i might as well try to better myself, but i dont know how. XX said i need to work on myself mentally and as a person, it doesnt just mean school and work//for my future stuff. That happiness is a mindset like everything else, but i dont really understand that.
Sorry its just a shitload of drama and probably fake sounding bullshit, like im asking for attention but I just really want help to get myself out of this rut.