This hits closer to home than I'd care to admit. I'm a sucker for the booze, I've given up doing Coke, Acid, Shrooms, X/MDMA, Speed and Ketamine socially and switched to drinking alone...a lot. There are some days I'm so hungover I can't even focus on the world around me. Woken up up so dehydrated my vision is blurry and I stumble about until I get some water and most importantly painkillers in me. At that point, 9/10am maybe 12/1pm depending how late I stayed up drinking beer/whisky, I'm rolling a joint with shaky as fuck hands and normally I'm a very conscientious roller like to get a good roll and hungover me just doesn't care - all I want is the drug in me at that point.
Then when I've normalised all I can think/worry about is: Do I get drunk again?!
Answer: Do I have money? Yes? To the store.
Now I think about it, I can't remember why I even started drinking this heavily. It started when my mum died when I was 19, who ironically enough died from alcohol withdrawal when she finally made a real effort to go straight (she moved down South [of England] and met someone new and left behind all her shitty alchy friends) - booze killed her without her even drinking it. So now it's just me and my Dad and my Grandmother who brought me up cus my mum was such a bad drunk. 3 years later, my Dad get's killed in a motorcycle accident, some dude cut him off in their car and he went straight over and the bike crushed him. Doctors tell me he would have felt no pain. At that point I lost it. My Grandmother is a good woman, she has helped me through my life, a lot. I tell everyone I know if it wasn't for her there is a good chance I'd be dead by now - but she doesn't understand my grief, she doesn't even know how badly I drink, I can't bear to tell her after promising so many times to never be a heavy drinker after my mother, and a big logical part of me still wants that. The addict though obviously doesn't care, just where is the next beer/whisky coming from??!
So here I am, going through 70cl bottles of whisky like it's fucking water, drinking beer like it's milk and any other of strong liquor I can get a hold of. For my 29th birthday, my Aunty (who lives far away) sent me a bottle of really really nice Single Malt, 43% and it's gorgeous. Because I got so drunk the night before my birthday I go through the whole fucking bottle and I go to bed disappointed at how sober I am from drinking such an expensive bottle of Whisky and one that on any other night would be potent enough to put me down after 5/6 drinks. I now know what I didn't want to admit - I have a god damn problem. So I stopped buying whisky full stop and just sticking to beer as of now. I know it's not too late for me, I can do it if I want it but I also don't want to be in a world where my parents, for all their faults, were not here any more. Fuck now I'm crying, I promised myself I wouldn't but I can't even think about them without tearing up.
I'm sorry this is such a long and rambling post, a little incoherent I know I've had a few beers now. OP I'm glad you're ok, genuinely but I do know that I don't want myself to get to that point. I gotta try, I gotta do it, I gotta beat it.