Confession: I feel I was the one that did that... Now I feel so guilty and horrible that I did. I didn't mean to make it such a shitty experience, I honestly would have worked on my attitude if I would have known , self reflecting I should have been more tolerant of you, I didn't mean to be so difficult, I don't mean to excuse myself but I hated my job, I hated that you were always sick and j couldn't do anything to help, after talking to a therapist I didn't realize I was depressed I didn't realize my anger was from that, all I ever wanted was to make you happy to see you healthy. I'm so sorry I couldn't see the cloud that devoured me , why didn't you say anything to me about it? I've always self reflected to the things you accused me of when they made sense. I just wished I would have know , I always asked what I could have to be better when we had talks , I always asked for constructive criticism but you always said it was you not me, then when you told me I blew all my chances I was decimated....what chances all the times I'm the one that came up with were things I saw that I needed to improve on, I'm not blaming you for my immaturity but weren't you mu friend my wife ? All I asked for was tolerance and patience liked you asked of me, you always said have faith in you and when I needed the same faith you turned me away. I'm so sorry I did mistakes , honest I would have tried if I got the critique but always attacked me, you called me your dad, the man that assaulted you mentally sexually physically, it destroyed me I would never dream about hurting you, laying my hands on you, forcing you to have sex with me, was 2 years of no sex not evidence of that. Sure I tried , but when you weren't feeling it I immediately stopped and respected you. You'd try some times and told me not to work about it but to keep going, I could just have sex while you where in horrible pain from you migraines no matter how much I wanted to have that connection with you I never wanted to violate our love trust in each other. I'm stubborn and inpatient but I'm not that man I'm not your father. I'm sorry I have some glaring character defects but I can change to say I can't destroyed me, I didn't know how could I ? I begged and digged for you to communicate with me, I was a fight to get your true feelings , but the car was the only place we could talked because I had to drive you to your chemo and radiation, I tried to hold back my feelings my despair and I thought I could turn to you for help I know you were in so much pain , you won't believe me because I realize how selfish you are but I was in pain to, the woman I loved and saved myself for was diagnosed with cancer 3 months into our marriage you told me to leave...but I told you I love you and wouldn't dream of it , your sister told me to leave and I told her why I love you being sick doesn't matter yes it heavy but you where my other half of my world. You filled my jagged bloody void with , I thought , a constant. Of course I was in pain , I felt so useless to you I prayed to God , take my limbs, take my health , take a part of my life so that you could be happy and healthy. I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't want to quit I told you no matter what I'd stay...you told me things to work on and I worked on them as soon as I could and tried to make them habits so I wouldn't make a mistake again , but I never felt appreciated so I started to show boat so you could see all I was doing but even then you told me I was trying to make you look like a bad wife, never I never thought of you as less as me. I was just asking to be treated like how I treat you which was at the very least the way you would wanted to be treated.
I'm sorry for this long text reply it just came when I read this and feel like such scum knowing I did this sometimes. I'm sorry all of you passed this. I never threatened our lives In the car but it was always a DTR or idk it was heavy I was the one that made it so. I didn't mean too I'm so sorry.