Don’t know what to tell you. I have done everything I thought I could do to be a good husband and father. Breaking my back to be a good provider in a town that makes it very tough to do so. Trying my best to be engaged with the kids and make sure they are raised right. Staying faithful despite every indication that the other half of that equation could care less.

More than fifteen years into a loveless marriage I’ve been through the full cycle. Confusion - then frustration - then anger - then resentment - then withdrawal - and now finally detente. I’ve trained myself not to care. Which is bullshit of course because if I didn’t care why would I be sharing this experience in a community of supposedly (sadly) like minded individuals.

Divorce seems like the only real option. But for a host of reasons that’s a decade away.

And in the meanwhile I question my commitment to fidelity when clearly the vows that initiated our marriage have frayed to the point of breaking. She is a wonderful mother, but doesn’t give a flying fuck about me anymore. Seriously I think if I got hit by a bus she would quietly breathe a huge sigh of relief. I’m not sure why. I don’t think I’m a bad guy or a terrible husband - but maybe I am? If it weren’t for my kids I’d just check out completely.

I wish I were single just so I wouldn’t have the perpetual dashed hope of wondering every night whether she might actually come to bed and want to just be with me. Sex or no sex, it would be so nice if she would just want to be with me.

But that ain’t happening any more and I know it. And absent that, it would be better to just be alone.

I did a little experiment starting a year ago - very deliberately stopped saying “I love you” and thus initiating the reflexive response from my wife. Haven’t heard her say it since.

I feel like a sucker who’s been played. Maybe things will turn out better in my next life.

Best of luck to you in figuring it out.