The Dying Ground: Long live the king | First Two Chapters

Some thoughts. I'll be copy and pasting as I read and drink.

cool formatting.

And so, it was puzzling when Timor, a member of my squad, came screaming, and gibbering uncannily vivid images into my tent, where, at the time, my sergeant and I were having a serious, but, relaxed discussion over a few cups of steaming hot tea.

That was a very awkward sentence.

a force to be reckoned with

more of a pet peeve and not really a necessarily bad thing, but the use of expressions like that in fantasy lands always bugs me. but the feel of your piece is pretty modern, so it's not a big deal.

When he burst into the tent, letting in the darkness of the night for just a second, he latched onto Lapre-my sergeant-as-if he were his mother.

Another very awkward sentence. What's up with the hyphens, man? Are you reading those hyphens as commas? Am I the confused one?

Timor sobbed pathetic tears, and, whilst Lapre comforted the boy, I shook my head and kept in an uncharacteristic giggle.

saying you kept in an uncharacteristic giggle is an odd way of saying you were trying not to laugh. that sentence also feels long and awkward. I think it's the commas and isolated conjunctions in your style. they just get stranded there on their own little desert islands every few sentences. haha did that make sense?

She turned one side of her mouth down

smile and try that.

giving me a robotic salute before stepping out of the tent.

Your story has robots right?

“You’ll see.” he said. “I know what I saw.” He rushed off. “Why did you even bother going out there?” Lapre asked. “It felt like the right thing to do.” Lapre shrugged. I was a little confused. had to read it again to figure out that Lapre wasn't shrugging after saying something.

I'm going to go smoke a cigarette. Your opening man...it got better. definitely more readable the longer it went on...but I was not pleased with your first page or so. looks interesting though. curious about the world.

oh wait let me answer your questions too.

Firstly, I want to know if the purpose is made clear enough, what the characters are trying to achieve. In that regard, what should I add or remove to be sure that purpose is clearly defined?

don't think I read far enough. I got into chapter 2. but so far I gather that they're soldiers somewhere in a war camp? investigating something? not sure. that's my fault for not reading the entire thing.

Also, conversation. I've always felt like my conversations are unnatural, and the only people I've been able to ask if my convos are ok have been people that most likely sugarcoat their reviews due to the fact that they're friends or family.

They were OK. the stammering Timor thing was a little tired. I didn't think "This dialogue is bad!" or anything. I just went back and read some more of chapter 2. yeah. dialogue is OK. some of the discussions bordered on exposition..but nothing was really jarring other than the popular expressions...which as I mentioned is more a 'me' thing.

“He doesn’t have that kind of influence.” I responded. “Officially, he doesn’t. He’s not part of the Abbey oligarchy.” Lapre said. “But we all know that really, he does. And I don’t blame him for it: he is the reason we’re here.” “Yes, he’s intelligent, but, he’s not going to just give me a medal for following orders..”

This was what I was talking about earlier with the bordering on exposition. OK I'm foreal going now.

/r/fantasywriters Thread