Wow. That took a lot of courage to write. Internet hug. I can sort of relate with your mom. I'm absolutely not defending her while I share my trauma, so I hope anyone doesn't upset anyone.

TW and long

I'm just going to say how it is. I hate babies and pregnant women. I don't want to be around them. I don't want to hear about them. It makes me super angry when my husband gets mad when I make a snarky comment about babies. He saw what I went through, but hell never understand how I felt. I know why I hate babies and pregnant women. I just don't ever say it. Maybe I should, but I like you said.

Overall I had a happy pregnancy. Once birth happened, it changed my life upside down for several years. The sudden drop and change in hormones really effed me up. It took a few years to fully get rid of postpartum depression and medication. I was severe depressed . I was frequently suicidal. I never attempted it, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I never hurt my baby or put her in harms way. I asked relatives for help to prevent anything bad from happening.

I was seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist at the time. I tried just about every antidepressant on the market. They started working, but all failed to work. My psychiatrist was pregnant and said she gave up on me and suggested that I check into a woman's facility on the other side of the country and costed the price of a new car monthly. She said she can no longer treat me. She didn't even suggest one of the other psychiatrists that worked in the same practice.

I made an appointment for a new doctor elsewhere. While waiting for my appointment, I spiraled down and got Baker acted in my state. I was stuck in a facility for 2 to 3 days. It was literally jail. I saw lots of things there that I never wanted to see. The facility doctor evaluated me and said that I didn't belong there and released me.

I eventually made it to my appointment with the new psychiatrist was great. He figured out a cocktail of medication that actually worked. He did it quickly too. He made sure to talk to me on a personal level. It took a couple of years on medication before I was stable enough to discontinue them.

A pregnant doctor gave up on me during my darkest time. Having a baby is supposed to be a joyful thing, but the hormones ripped me apart. So yes, I hate babies and pregnant women because of this horrible experience.

I suppressed certain feelings for many years. I'm a teacher for 3 to 12 years old. Strange as it sounds. I started hitting perimenopause about 1 to 2 years ago. The change in hormones lead to some of these feelings coming back. I went to a doctor as soon as I recognized it. I he got my depression under control, but not the anxiety. It really affected my ability to do my job. I told my bosses and no longer teach the younger children. The pandemic so far has given me a 2 month break from teaching.

Some days I feel completely out of it. I'm here, but not here. I'm not totally sure if it's actually dpdr or not. Regardless, I seriously doubt that I will be able to return to my job right now.

Thanks to anyone who read this. Sorry, if it doesn't belong here. I think I just realized to why my "random" anxiety happens.