I was laid off prior to covid, and at 30 years old I decided to go back to school. I've upgraded all my core subjects since grade 10. I dropped out of school twice when i was younger but now I have gotten high 90's in all my classes by busting my ass every day. To the point it wasn't healthy. I was reading notes at the dinner table, watching lectures on the tread mill. I burnt myself out in fear of failing. I've now been accepted into post secondary but I can't find happiness in anything, didnt even celebrate getting accepted into school, instead I second guessed if i should even go. Everytime the government announces new restrictions, I get crushed a little more to the point this time around I prayed I wouldn't wake up the next day.

I have lost some people close to me and have been depressed most of my 20's and when I turned 30, i wanted to turn it around. I wanted to join a community, (not religious but wanted to go to church just to meet people). I wanted to make my 30s great and stop being such a high anxiety introvert but this covid shit has stomped over those plans.

I was in school for the first part of the year and it was great, i met people through class and was feeling good for being forced out in public every day. But now, I'm back in my room and classes are completely disconnected. No one knows their classmates or tries to interact. Everyone keeps their mic's off and its usually just me answering the teachers questions because I feel bad for them as well.

I guess im just at my limit and Christmas has always been lonely for me, spent many years of Christmas alone, so its like a wave of depressed shit storm hitting all at once. I keep getting told to go get help, go speak to someone, but I dunno how, and I'm broke as hell, EI runs out in 2 weeks, no clue if i qualify for CERB. I quit drinking, pills and blow, cigarettes, went back to school and passed with flying colours, lost weight, fell in love with the gym, yet still i feel so behind and useless.

End rant,

A burnt out Edmontonian.