My mom has PTSD and the triggers and avoidance and rationalizations are a part of my experience now. My dad does not appear to have PTSD but my mom thinks he may be on the autism spectrum. I have my own sensory issues I wasn't allowed to try to cope with them because it interfered with my dads sensory issues. I had to be a reverent child and he got to be a yelling angry blacking out hitting father because he worked so hard and so yeah... when I started to yell similar to him I would get grounded and lectured, told sinner and to repent. If I cried I would get yelled at sometimes and told how terrible I am.
I looked for professional help but they said my dad would never do anything like that they met him they'd say. I would be asked again, where did you learn this coping skill? They never believed me.. My mom couldn't possibly have unhealthy coping skills and defiantly not teaching them to me because she is registered nurse and mental health therapist right? No help until adult in that situation.
I worry about kids in homes that people assume are "stable homes" because when they look for help, they don't get it because adults are filtering who they think needs the most help the quickest. I lost friends because they would tell me how their family struggled for food, so why did I get grounded again can't I just be grateful? I got grounded so many times for hyperventilating after staying calm in school all day. I would get home and fall apart and then get grounded and my friends started to hate me because they loved my parents so much. For good reason too, they are good people and they gave them so much love and food and support. Difference being, not with religious context and expectations and rules.
My parents and I have a great relationship now. I am released of religious expectation and that being tied to if I am loving to my family and self and world or not. They don't believe I am a sinner for simply having mental illness anymore. I am better with things as child I could not(guilt free happy moments) but wow I wish I could go back and tell that kid to stop looking for help and just focus on a hobby lol. My home would have been more stable if I felt like I was allowed to chew food whenever I wanted and was hungry or open the fridge. I think I would have slept more if I wasn't worried about ruining the family by being a sinner by my thoughts. I think I would have had less nightmares if my parents weren't so worried about me and my sinning and the worlds sins. I loved sleeping anywhere but home. I would beg at school to use the sick room to rest and cry sometimes. The school thought I was liar and manipulating after a bit and stopped that option though. I begged to go to psych units... thats when things got very bad. Al the adults were horrified by how someone with such an amazing home environment could be so depressed.. I heard sometimes well when you are 18 you can move out and make your own home environment... Well. No I can not. I am often reminded I have brain damage that has been known about since birth now and how I need to adjust my expectations.. This was not allowed when child because my parents were able to save some money, hold a "good" job, and be polite? All the money in the world and resources do nothing if its not allowed to not be "normal". I just wanted to work on what I could with my capabilities and grow but I was constantly being held to other expectations. Want to go to college for cooking? Nope, saving for college is only for studies that mom thinks will get me hired after all the work at school. Doctor tells mom to bring me to see her more, what does mom say? Something along the lines of how its not convenient for her and would rather not.
Thats the past, still feels fresh and hurts cause I remember it more now but I don't blame my parents anymore. They truly did do the best they could and I am so sad and irritated that my childhood memories won't leave me alone. I want to hang out with my parents and be 100% there.