ELI5:Why do mentally ill people self-harm?

I have a pet! A little dog, she's really great. She supports me a lot, especially when I faint/pass out. My goal at the moment is to get better enough to take her for a walk. As it is she mostly exercises in the house through play. I can't leave the house, after months of hard work I can answer the door myself and only when it's to let my carers in. I was taken by my carer out once to get my brain scanned and bloodwork done and collapsed several times, especially when I saw a man. Just, some guy, minding his own business most likely. Then I'd have horrific nightmares about these men following me home and hurting me. Hanged myself twice after it, failed both times but not for lack of trying. Drank bleach a few times too, just to make it all stop. I forget to mention I also get hallucinations, mostly when I'm severely sleep deprived but also just now and again. These two years are the longest period I have gone in my entire life without some form of sexual assault, after my dad it was an uncle, then a neighbor boy, then a teacher, a friend's brother, etc. The more time passes the more frightened I become, because getting abused is such a constant in my life. Maybe its learned helplessness, I don't know. I actually finished my degree, without ever attending any lectures and doing my exams in a separate room with a nurse. I've got a law degree, though it's a bit useless as I'd need to do more things to become a legal professional. It never interested me at all, my mother wanted me to do it, it was either law or architecture and I have the dyslexia for numbers and very poor hand eye coordination so law it was. I do sometimes toy with the thought of helping other survivors with my degree, but then I realise that it would break me to witness first hand how the legal system fails survivors. It's too much to think about to be honest. Right now all I want to do is walk my dog. And um, find something I actually enjoy. I think I might like cooking, gaming and reading. I still don't feel anything in terms of enjoyment but these activities aren't something I dislike. So it's like, doing the least unappealing thing in hopes it will generate a positive response.

Sorry if it's all rambly, and thank you for taking the time to speak to me like this.

/r/explainlikeimfive Thread Parent