it took me more than ten years to figure it out. i eventually came to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with me. rather my collection of life experiences, my childhood and my past conditioning all pre-disposed me to heavy, binge-driven use of alcohol and drugs.

and so i eventually, through many, many consequences and pain, but also through a lot of therapy and self-work, came to the conclusion that i wanted sobriety. like, i really really really really wanted it. along the way to wanting it this bad... i also learned that i can be truly happy without acohol or drugs.

there's nothing fundamentally wrong with my soul or my humanity or my human goodness. in fact, you might say that my sensitivity and my ability to feel deeply is on factor that pre-disposes me to numbing with substances... sometimes it's easier and safer not to feel at all!

even though i'm only on day 45 right now, this past year has been a really good stretch of recovery for me because of the culmination of all of these things. so i finally, really know what i want - i desparately want sobriety.

along the way, i stopped demonizing myself. i started loving myself. and i realized there is nothign wrong with being sober. it takes a lot of courage and a lot of effort and a lot of admirable qualities to be sober.

it takes a hero to be sober.

go be your own hero. be the hero that you need. and be the fucking awesome person that you are. there's no fucking shame in being your own hero.