Can you explain what's going on?
Ah, yes, sorry.
So Girl and I met about 5 years ago. I and she didn't really talk all that much to start with, but then we started talking with a mutual friend on Google Talk (at that time) and I made my feelings clear while sitting at Olympic Park station - I was there because at the time, I was still... well, hung up on another girl (now engaged to be married), and she was in another part of the state, and I was in Sydney, and she was not talking to me, and she was in a relationship (which she retains to this day), and and and, I could go on forever.
But I decided I had to move on, and I decided I needed to work out how to do that, and so I was talking to her, and I realised that maybe I could handle this for the rest of my life (with no idea what an LDR was at that stage, and not actually planning to get into a relationship), I decided to mention that I loved her.
So I did. And she reciprocated. And all was good. And we knew where we stood. And all was great.
Then; one night I had a dream about the other girl, where she told me (in person) she was pregnant with her son (who is now 3yr and a week old), and I mentioned it to this girl. She didn't know what to make of it, and neither did I. We just... left it. At 2:30pm local time, she went to bed (being 16hr behind), and I prepared to go home from where I was at the time. I popped down to the Cafeteria at the TAFE to get something - I think it was a donut - and I got a call from other girl. She told me that she was pregnant. Scared, I hung up on her.
Then I texted her, telling her I already knew. She asked how, I explained.
And so that was that.
Other girl and I had a large fight and stopped talking. I took it out on this particular girl and then she stopped talking to me as well.
I hated being seperated from both of them, at the time my best friends, and I worked to get Girl to talk to me again - other girl being a lost cause. So I apologised to her - I mentioned that I was sorry, and why I did what I did. She started talking to me again, and in July of 2014, she sent me a message - verbatim - "So are we, like, dating?"
I was shocked. I didn't think she thought of me that way, and I was exstatic that she did. So we got together. I was on a bus at the time trying to get into the City of Sydney (as was, at the time, normal for me on a Thursday), and I explained what I was doing and why. She didn't get it until I explained that the direct train from Goulburn (a town in the Southern Highlands of NSW) to Central was less packed and got into the city late enough that Central wasn't completely crowded. So she tracked me (using Tripview, grr - Android users) all the way in. I actually remember asking where on earth I was at one stage, because I - being my buff self - forgot where I was.
Nevertheless, all was great. We loved each other immensely, and this was before stickers on Messenger.
In September of 2014 I went into Hospital with Appendicitis. I didn't (couldn't) message her, and I got my then best friend to message her for me - which helped as he speaks spanish fluently, I don't. I told him what was going on and I got him to message her, so that I could just concentrate on getting to hospital, and getting treated. He did. I got a message at a little after midnight with a very worried girlfriend 13,900km away wondering if I was OK. As I was still awake (waiting to be admitted) I replied. A few minutes later I was dosed up with Morphine - and so I didn't get to say much. But I told her I was in pain and that I was going to try to get some rest.
We spoke a lot over that week. We both established we (still) love each other.
Then the distance got us. She broke up with me on New Years Eve 2014. It was hard. I didn't know what to do, and I wasn't at home.
We kept talking, fell more in love over 2015, Dad killed himself in November 2015, and she was a staple through that - because it was a terrible experience for me. So after I got over that, I asked her to take me back officially on Valentines Day (Feb 14, 2016). We had a great relationship. We loved each other as much as we could, then I started to rely on her, and I started to blame her for stuff (unknowingly) and she started to drift away, and we had a big fight. We broke up one day as I went into meltdown. I basically sent her a really formal email stating that I felt that we couldn't continue like this and until we could, I couldn't justify it anymore.
I regretted it before I hit send.
I got an email back, stating that she thought she'd made it clear that we were already "just friends" again. She never once stated it.
So I gave up. I spent a week alone, with my thoughts. Then I emailed her back detailing my day. Detailing what led me to that. Explained why I had sent that email, and explained that I'd have given my left nut to have her there that day to keep me from falling into a hole I couldn't get out of.
We have started on a long road, and we're working to get to a point where we talk a lot again. I'm not so happy with the way it turned out and given the chance I'd love to go over and see her. But at the moment I'm a stupidly poor student in Australia. But we're getting closer again.
Sorry about the wall...