This is so sad to read. I can empathize and I'm so fearful this is where I'm headed. I sense some of the same tendencies with my AP. I'm going through a divorce now, still living in our home until I get a place. My AP has been here for me and given me his love. It's been almost two years.
He wanted exclusivity, but I only just started trying to be more just him and I. Which seems very hazardous to me... I've got a really hard time trying to get a divorce with such young kids and limited support. But I'm taking the difficult steps to move forward with it. Being honest and true to myself and to quit trying to fake my way through marriage.
He on the other hand, seems like he wants all of me, speaks of a future with us, love talk, etc, and talks about getting out of his marriage, but I don't see any real evidence of that. I'm not asking him to either. If he wants something, it's in his power to work toward that goal.
We talk in depth about our situations. His kids are nearly fully adults. He's been married a very long time. I have told him how I felt but how skeptical I am. He knows I go out and guys hit on me and I have mentioned dating again and not sneaking around. He claims he wants me, loves me and he's moving out. He's told the kids, telling friends, told his wife he wants a divorce. The thing is, he's tried apparently on the past but ended up staying and having affairs. I feel sorry for his wife. I don't want to be in her shoes.
Your post makes me feel like crying because I know it's gotta too hard to make that call. I'll probably need to do that too and it will be so painful. Of course you can meet others and start over, but it's not easy to find that incredible chemistry, easy conversation, understanding...
I actually met a single guy recently and exchanged numbers and we've texted and talked and met up once for coffee. It was interesting. I didn't feel attracted to him, although he was cute. The conversation kept stalling out and I don't think he could ever understand what being married really entails. And how me as a mom has very limited time for leisure.
Then I met another guy who was really cute at the hotel bar after my work holiday party. He flirted and talked to me, got my number. He said he is going through divorce currently too and has kids similar ages to mine.
Just shows that diversions can present themselves to take your mind off your AP. Hopefully you can at least make friends with people who help ease the pain, but that you don't try to jump into anything else right away.
Hang in there. You're brave and strong.