Personally, I would add more spaces between the opening epigraph and the actual beginning so we know that while it IS related to the story, the actual beginning starts at “You’re unbelievable!” (I think it’s called an epigraph. At least, Brandon Sanderson calls the small paragraphs of plot related text in Mistborn an epigraph) I’d even add an asterisk or a # just to denote a break.

Presentation

Okay, so I’m going to say the same thing I’ve said to various other writers. You should make sure your punctuation and spelling in your work is fixed before submitting it. You don’t have to – but you should, and the reason is that every time I see a miscapitalization, a typo, or a misplaced comma, it just wrenches me out of the story. You’re looking for feedback, not a copy editor. You’re ruining the immersion of the story. It’s like trying to watch a serious movie with random frames of pornography inserted (think Fight Club).

How do you expect me to critique your story if it feels as if you didn’t put any effort into it? A single pass in the first few paragraphs tells me you didn’t even both proofreading.

Also, be consistent. “Mum sets a cup of tea down” is in present tense. “He pleads with her” is in past tense. Decide on one. Most people will tell you to use past tense. Most agents will refuse to read anything in present tense. (Yes, this is unfair. But that’s publishing for you.) In the end, it’s still your decision.

Prose

Writing is about guiding your readers. Some authors will throw their readers into a forest and leave a trail of breadcrumbs. Others will hold your hand and walk you step by step to your destination. Whatever the case, your prose has to give a clear and concise image.

“You’re unbelievable!” mum sets a cup of tea down on the table in front of Reece. A few tears escape his eyes before he can man up and wipes the tears away.

Ignoring the typos, there are much better ways to phrase this. I was very confused when I first read it. You’ve hit the reader with two important characters in one sentence, and tried to establish the setting in one go. It’s a bit…ambitious. You’re also just telling the reader, not showing (we’ll get to this later).

Let’s take it from the beginning. We’ll use the original exclamation by Reece’s mother, which is fine. We’ll attribute the sentence to her so we know who’s talking. I will use “Reece’s mother” instead of “mum”. This makes it easier for me to shift to Reece right after. I’ll also use Reece again in the second sentence instead of ‘he’. This is the very beginning of the book, so I don’t want to take any chances. And then, I’ll use description to show his emotion.

E.g. “You’re unbelievable!” cried Reece’s mother, almost dropping her cup. Reece was silent, though his eyes glistened and his lip trembled.

Notice how I don’t need to say “set a cup of tea on the table in front of Reece”. By just saying that Reece’s mother has almost dropped the cup, the reader is automatically primed of a talk over either afternoon tea, or at least, at a table.

as a gesture of reassurance.

Again, telling not showing. By the way, why are her hands cold? Is there something I’m missing? Is there a physiological change that happens in humans when they’re shocked at something? I have no idea.

unstoppable tears flow like a waterfall now.

This piece of description is rather redundant. Unstoppable already gives us a very strong image. Waterfall again, evokes an image of rushing water. I’m not a big fan of repetitive prose that tries to tell us the same thing. Then again, this is a subjective critique, so take it with a grain of salt.

But unlike Selina (his girlfriend)

Though I am a writer, an image says a thousand words. This is my expression right now: ಠ___ಠ

I know you’re not being lazy on purpose. But it FEELS like it – and remember, what the reader feels becomes a fact for them. Here’s why brackets are used.

“round brackets are used when a writer wants to add information to a sentence that will give greater detail to the information presented. However, the information is extra and not really necessary, which means that it can be removed with ease and without damaging the original information.” http://grammar.yourdictionary.com/punctuation/how-to-use-brackets-in-grammar.html

Now the problem is that you chose to include a vital piece of information in the brackets, and you decided to insert it so haphazardly that it made me feel like you wanted to cheat the system. It made me feel like you didn’t want to spend the effort to explain who Selina was.

To save the hassle- should he never wake up again.

I’m not going to bother explaining this because it’s too long. You need to learn how to use either an en-dash or an em-dash. Google will help you here. Hyphens don’t work.

You’re also being repetitive by using the same sentence constructions over and over again.

he’d met Dr. Heidy prior to today- to arrange

He wasn’t too sure of anything else- and nothing else really mattered.

The doctors would do the rest until he reached the other side- if at all.

Vary it up a bit, otherwise the writing won’t ‘sing’. It’ll just be a monotonous drone.

I’m going to stop most of the prose critiques here, since what I’ve said applies to the rest of the work

Perspectives

You jump. A lot. Even when writing third person omniscience, a lot of writers choose to use third person limited for most of the time. Head hopping is allowed, but they always use a lead in or a scene break.

You have used neither. You’ve just switched from Reece’s mother to Reece to Selina (is she here in this scene? I can’t tell. It’s not clear). See how confusing it is for the reader?

He lovingly kisses her on the cheek and gives Presley a pat before leaving.

On a second pass, I realize this was a kiss to his mother. But the first time I read it I kept assuming Selina had magically teleported into the scene, because the previous sentences were talking about her.

Breaking writing rules

“What the hell?” he uses his arm to push her off with as much might as he could.

“What?” she is confused as she lands beside him again, somewhat hurt from the force of his push.

“Who are you?” He is panicking, heart pounding.

“What?” she flutters her eyelashes rapidly and captures his attention.

This part is hard to read. I can see you’re trying to go for something more stylistic. That’s okay. But you have to start from the basics first.

My advice to you is to read. Read a lot more books and pay attention to how they construct sentences and how they punctuate. You MUST learn the usual writing conventions. It’s like learning how to crawl before you can walk. Only then can you start breaking the rules, and believe me, you will want to break rules. Look at Cormac McCarthy’s prose. It makes you want to scream ‘Jesus Christ’ and ‘damn this is good’ at the same time.

I also started to find the story hard to follow (well, harder. It was already all over the place). Again, it’s possible this was a stylistic choice. You wanted the reader to share the same amount of confusion the MC is having. But there are other ways to do this without resorting to “Dialogue” + [random person does an action]. You’ve also thrown a bunch of characters at me in one single scene without a gradual introduction. It makes me want to give up.

Plot

So let’s break down the plot. We have a guy who signs a waiver for no reason at all. “But there is a reason!” you say. Well then, I didn’t get it from the story. I don’t know why he did it. I don’t know why he intentionally made his mother and girlfriend cry. Does he have cancer or some other kind of incurable disease? I’m not given a motivation. I can see you’re trying to show the things tying him down to the present. A mother, a dog, a girlfriend…but neither of those things are elaborated on, thus I have no reason to sympathize with Reece.

A bunch of people are crying. They tell me nothing matters because the events seem to be out of his control. I’m sitting here thinking “if nothing matters then I don’t feel like reading anymore”.

It was like he’d never seen these things before. Everything demanded to be seen with a childlike wonder. It was pitch black and all his senses were new and exciting to him.

That’s rather contradictory isn’t it? You’re using the visual sense, then telling us it’s all pitch black. I’m confused at this point. I’ve been confused from the beginning – and trust me, this is not an emotion you want your readers to be in (at least, not always).

Anyway, from this point on, the plot disintegrates. So he wakes up. Someone isn’t here. I don’t know who that someone is. I don’t know who these people are. In the end, you just give me three sentences that sorta tell me what’s going on, but not really. It’s like I’m expected to be surprised at this revelation. At mars and stuff.

I’m not invested. You have to pull me in. You have to hook me. You have to make me care. That’s what writing is about – the author is a puppetmaster manipulating the reader’s emotions. He/she makes them cry on a whim. He/she makes them stand up and cheer, pumping their fist through the air.

I need emotional resonance. I need build-up. And I didn’t get it.