Jim was a young man of 17 years born into a rural community on the planet Yallara. He was a fair haired, with green eyes, lanky and tanned from a child hood brought up in the sun. About one year ago him and his friends built gliders after watching vids about flying. To Jim and his Friends gliders represented freedom to them, a chance to get away from their staid, boring, rural community
Don't be put off by anyone's comments or criticism - you are already an author, stick to your guns and keep writing :)
Find someone willing to edit your drafts for clarity and structure before you make them publicly available.
I didn't read past the first page, because these sorts of errors pull me out of the story - you don't want that, obviously - so get someone to help you with the nuts and bolts as you develop your skills
See point 1. :)