This does go on a bit but if you can bear with me I hope I'll be able to help in some way. I have been taking opioids for 25 years.

Chronic pain caused by a (long) lifetime working with horses. Lots of old injuries, Osteoporosis, painful hips, Degenerative Disc Disease of the spine. Arthritis. Everything hurts, even my big toes! I have broken so many bones it's ridiculous. I have Allodynia in my right shoulder and this one is often unbearable when it comes.

On my (prescribed by the Dr) meds I can work - even though I'm old I still work on the farm with the horses, out in all weather's and it's often hard work. With my meds I can do it. I can still ride my horse. I can happily shovel shit out of stables all day long. I can get round that yard like Billy Whizz on, well, whizz actually.

I applaud and respect you so much for managing to be so responsible about how you use them. I can't do it and it's pathetic really.

So the problem is always the same every bloody month. I run out of my Morphine tablets and guzzle all the Oromorph too early. I do this because, yes pain, very bad pain, make no mistake about it, and an increased and quite impressive tolerance but.....I also like the antidepressant side of it. And the energy it provides is wonderful. Too wonderful.

I run out, without fail, despite being scared to death of withdrawing. I can maybe get something from a friend who was prescribed opiates once and still has some left in the medicine cabinet. I can get a bit of Oromorph from my other friend who has it prescribed. I have to pay her back. It's silly.

I absolutely hate asking them. I hate lying 'I forgot to put my script in'. I feel shame.

That depression. It's really vicious, nasty and profound. Paralysing. And then, because I have no meds I am 'unavailable' to the entire world for what has become 2 weeks out of 4. I live in absolute fear of going into the dreaded withdrawal that I knew, I bloody knew, would be coming because I, at my age, known for my wisdom and honesty and good advice couldn't manage to make my script last.

I have actually been relieved to have been ill with Covid last year because it means I can say that this is why I have to be 'unavailable' - Long Covid has been a life saver for me. Good God Almighty.

So. The only thing which staves off these withdrawals is Loperamide, the stuff that Imodium contains to stop diarrhoea. I take 12 to start. Then another 6 a bit later and so on until I feel better but not more than 20 and less if I can. And it works. It really does. You can function and work. And be a human.

BUT.....it is bad for you in large doses and can affect your heart and not in any way good. It can mess with your digestive system.

It works but exacts a price if you keep taking it in high doses so please, if you do this don't stay on it for very long. Use it this time to get you through until you can get something sorted with your Dr and then don't look at it again. There is lots of information here on Reddit about it and a Loperamide sub too.

Read about it and make an informed decision.

It doesn't do anything wonderful about the depression which withdrawal brings but I do find it eases it quite a bit. I can function without wanting to die and the beautiful countryside in which I am so privileged to work doesn't look all grey and dark and foreboding. It makes a sort of existence happen instead of that awful terrible withdrawal. It prevents the raging shits. I can walk the dog and say good morning to a passer-by instead of looking at them like I want to physically assault them.

It can and will get you through until you can see your Dr but I wouldn't wait until next month if you decide to take the Loperamide route and have run out of your meds. You need to speak to your Dr asap. Be honest about why you've run out.

I know that the problems with Loperamide are related to it being taken in very large doses for an extended period of time. But I'm not an expert. I do know very well the anxiety and despair withdrawing abruptly can bring. I'm an expert on this.

I did it again last week. I ran out. I knew as I was swigging my Oromorph merrily away there and full of the joys of, literally, Spring, what was going to happen yet I still did it. All of a sudden my tablets too, all those strips I'd had, they'd bloody disappeared and it's absolutely pathetic that I still said it as I opened the meds box to see absolutely sweet bugger all....I still said to myself 'how the hell did THAT happen I had loads'.

I went and picked up my phone and rang the Entry to Drug and Alcohol Service. I'd literally had it. My life has been ruled by this crap for 25 years. And it wasn't easing off. It was getting worse.

Example - last summer I drove my oldest daughter, her partner and my grandson from Wales to the South of France for a road trip. Lockdown, I'd had Covid, we were pissed off and we wanted to actually DO something so off we went to be free. Except I wasn't free was I? We didn't hang about. We left in the middle of the night and were in France by 7am next morning. Marvellous. I drove the entire way. It was great.

But the day before I'd been stressed to all hell and back. And forth. And then back to the surgery and then the pharmacy. Then did it all backwards. Then forwards. I HAD to secure a script before I could leave. If I hadn't done so I couldn't, literally could not and would not have gone. No point. I would have spent the whole time in full blown withdrawal just in time to drive back.

Then the real time came to drive back. No tablets. No Oromorph. Because I'm a stupid old bag.

I have to go to the pharmacy on our way to the autoroute and explain to the woman that we have a very very VERY long drive ahead and myself and my Grandson (who was sitting in the car eating a large baguette as I spoke) have very very VERY bad diarrhoea. Ooh I will need 6 boxes is this possible and as long as it's Loperamide I think we'll be ok. It is? Oui and Merci beaucoup. Au Revoir.

I am a liar. But I'm not. Not naturally. It's not who I am. But I just lied. An opiate lie is ok because it has to be.

I am so glad I decided to use my phone a few weeks ago. I am so thankful for the people at the clinic who know. Who have heard it all yet still treated me with respect and reassuring kindness and who said it was going to be alright.

I begin treatment with a Buvidal injection on Wednesday this week. I will deal with the pain I know is coming some other way because I'd rather the pain. It means I'm alive.

Whatever my experience brings to you if you have made it this far - and I am sorry for rambling, it's age not opiates - remember that you aren't alone. I promise. You aren't. You can message me if you need to talk or ask anything you like - I am too long in the tooth, like my old Mare, to mind anything much. I do understand how you are feeling right now. I know it well. And there are lots of us. It brought me a lot of comfort when I found this out. Reddit is so good really.

God bless you sweetheart. It will be ok.

And again, Sorry for the length of this.