Wow this really resonated with me. I, too, cannot control my usage. The plan is always to take 1-2mg but somehow I black out every time and will continue to ingest every last pill over the course of a day or 2. At one point I went through 250mg of Etizolam in a 48 hr period. I thought I was sober the whole time. Benzos are weird man.
Wish I could control my use because I do have pretty bad anxiety issues. It always ends in a blackout though. Somehow I've been lucky and kept my job (despite being in full on blackout mode for days at a time) and I haven't caught any charges. I know friends and family have wondered wtf is going on with me during these binges but I haven't damaged any relationships beyond repair luckily.
The scariest part for me is always the withdrawal. After a 6 month long stint on Rxed Xanax, I went through hell, had a seizure, and I'm certain my gaba receptors are perma-fucked. Now even 1-2 days on an etiz binge causes pretty nasty withdrawal symptoms. You'd think I'd learn my lesson... it's not like I'm enjoying them if I'm blacked out. But the constant anxiety and tension is something I struggle with daily. Sometimes the quick fix is so alluring.
Sorry for the de-rail. Kinda wanted to write this as a reminder to myself and to let OP know they're not alone in their behavior.