3. [EU] In this reality, Shrek is an ogre who sees nothing wrong with eating an occ...

[EU] In this reality, Shrek is an ogre who sees nothing wrong with eating an occasional human being.

"Hey Shrek, you really think it's safe to go snoopin' around here like this? I mean, there's bound to be guards 'n' shit roamin' around and-"

"Shut the fuck up, Donkey," said Shrek. The morbidly obese green ogre stormed up the palace steps in his loose fitting tunic which felt like he was wearing nothing at all. At the top of the steps was the door to Farquaad's bedroom. Shrek could tell because there was a gold plaque on the door which the bastard's name engraved in it. With a powerful kick, Shrek knocked the wooden door down.

"Who dares intrude?" asked a voice that sounded a lot like one of the penguins from Madagascar (2005). Shrek turned towards the direction of the voice. It was the mirror on the wall with a floating, disembodied face floating within.

"Well, if it isn't the Magic Piece of Shit," said Shrek, greeting the Magic Mirror on the wall. "Where the fuck is that cunt, Lord Farquaad?" The donkey and the ogre inched closer to the mirror.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," replied the Magic Mirror with a smug look on its face.

"Wrong answer, motherfucker," said Shrek. He grabbed a nearby chair and lifted it above his head, threatening to smash the chair into the mirror.

"OK, OK. He's at the cathedral getting married to Fiona. Geez. Shouldn't you know this already?" said the Magic Mirror.

"Thanks," said Shrek, lowering the chair and replacing it in its proper place by the desk. "But I didn't appreciate the attitude you gave me. Let's see who's the fairest one of all now, bitch." Shrek curled his right hand into a fist and threw a punch at the Magic Mirror, shattering it into a million shards of glass. Shrek's hand wasn't even damaged by the sharp fragments. Like an onion, Shrek's skin layers were impenetrable to anything short of diamond.

"C'mon, Donkey. Let's ride," said Shrek as he led his domesticated ass out of the main palace and to the Royal Garage. It was a smaller building adjacent to the ballroom, and it was where Farquaad kept all of his luxury transportation vehicles.

"Ooh! Ooh!" exclaimed Donkey gleefully. "Can we take that one? Huh? Can we?"

"You want to take the carriage? It has to be pulled be an animal," said Shrek as he looked the carriage up and down. "Are you gonna get off your lazy fuckin' ass and pull it? Are ye? I didn't think so. No. We're taking that sweet ass ride."

Together, Shrek and Donkey headed towards the cathedral in their newly-acquired M1A2 SEPv2 battle tank complete with a 120mm smoothbore gun, remote-controlled weapons station and protected by layered steel, ceramics, plastic and Kevlar which have been further reinforced with the addition of depleted uranium. Nothing could stand in their way. Farquaad's warriors and magi would not be able to get past the tank. It was a clear road to victory and Shrek could already feel Fiona's grateful lips pressed onto his own.

"Are you really gonna kill the guy, Shrek?" asked Donkey who was currently the one in charge of the remote-controlled weapons turret. This proved to be somewhat challenging for Donkey due to the lack of opposable thumbs.

"Oh, I'm going to do more than that, Donkey," replied Shrek as he drove the tank through the cathedral doors and through the rows of pews that were currently occupied by the village people. "I'm gonna fuckin' bite that fuckin' head right off of his motherfuckin' neck and eat it."

"Wow, really?" asked Donkey. "You ain't 'fraid of catchin' any prion disease or something? Brains are nasty!"

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING EAT HIS HEAD," Shrek reiterated. His eyes glowed with a fury that no one in the land of Far Far Away had ever seen before. Shrek leapt out of the tank and charged towards Fiona and Farquaad who were at the front of the cathedral about to exchange vows.

"You!" exclaimed Farquaad.

"RAAAARRR!!!!" howled Shrek as the he jumped over the front row of pews and tackled the short man to the ground.

"Shrek, what are you doing?" asked Fiona with a shocked expression on her face. "Shrek, you... Are you going to eat him? Shrek, you're a monster!"

"Shrek is love," hissed Shrek with a psychopathic gleam in his eyes. He opened his jaws wide and closed them around Farquaad's head. There was a loud crunch as bright red blood sprayed all over Fiona's gown and face. "Shrrrk izsh life," mumbled Shrek as he chewed through the flesh and bone.

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