Have you ever broken up with someone to figure yourself out? [26M] with [29F], 1.5 years

What pushed you to go through with it? I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I was losing self confidence. We had dated a few years earlier, and when we broke up the first time I think I hit rock bottom. Then I started working on myself, and got to a place I was really happy with. We ended up working through things and getting back together about a year later. He seemed more controlling, demanding, and critical second time around, and I was taking it hard. I felt inadequate. I knew he loved me and didn't mean to make me feel this way, but whenever I brought it up to him he always denied it. Anyways, I could feel myself starting to be frustrated and angry at myself, so I broke things off.

How did you feel when you broke up with your partner? While breaking up with him I was balling my eyes out. Not my finest moment. I cried on the way home. And then once I was cried out and calmed down, I felt a sense of relief. I felt like I could breathe and like I had no responsibilities except for myself. I was surprised by this feeling, and it confirmed that I made the right choice. About a week after I felt guilt. He is an avid weed user, and his habit started after our first breakup. He stopped using by about half when we got back together, and now he's worse than ever. Aside from that I feel so bad for taking his happiness away, and for breaking up with him like I did. I remember being mad at the way he broke up with me, but what's hard to understand is it's really difficult in many cases for the dumper to break up and not become emotional.

Did you figure yourself out in a way? I think I'm starting to. It's only been a month but I'm starting to learn how to support myself emotionally, like telling myself little things like "You can do it!" and "You're beautiful" and "You have great friends you love you" and stuff like that. I'm finding other aspects of my life that give me approval and meaning. Kind of like a fake it til you make it. I'm pretending to feel more confident by listing all the reasons I should be, and I think once I'm more successful in my goals I will gain true confidence.

Are you still in touch? Mine's kind of a weird circumstance. He wanted to stay friends literally right off the bat. I asked for some space to move on. He was respectful of that. Then about 2 weeks in he hit family trouble and didn't know who else to tell (we were each other's best friends in the area, and he didn't have many other friends in the area). So obviously that was hard on him and I wanted to be a good friend. He doesn't really reach out for help like that so I thought it was something he really needed, and I just talked him through it via text and we hung out the next day and went bowling.

Do you have regrets? I have regrets about how I did the breaking up. He is the first person I've broken up with (the only person I've been with, for that matter). I had it in the back of my for about a week or two, telling myself to wait until finals were over, but one day I kind of emotionally vomited all my feelings. So it was impromptu, and unplanned, and messy conversation. I wish I had thought out what I was going to say more. Here's what happened: We were being intimate, and he made a critical comment. I confronted him about it then and there, and when he denied it, I said "Maybe this isn't working". And then I talked about breaking up. This had actually happened earlier in the relationship, and he just hugged me and said "Noooo".

Anyway, we talked and kind of argued? I basically just said "I'm not as happy as I want to be, and I bet you're not happy. I think you want things I can't give you and I want things I'm not getting from you". He responded saying: "Well I'm the happiest I've been in months (I felt terrible after he said this). I wish you had done this" To which I said, "Well I wish you would've done that" (probably a conversation we should've had earlier, but whatever you live and learn). And we just reached a dead end.

Did you get back together? No, and I don't plan to for awhile (like 2+ years), if ever, because we already got back together and I don't want to be on that merry go round of breakup-makeup. When I broke up with him he said "I think our timing is just off", so I think he wants to eventually get back together. I guess time will tell how we feel in years time.

What to tell ex? I wish right now I could tell him to take this time to find himself. We are both at uni, but he doesn't seem passionate about anything except for video games and weed. He has so much potential, he makes great grades, is super intelligent, very loving and dedicated, but he doesn't apply all that anywhere meaningful. I was him to put himself out there and explore the world because it has so much to offer him. I know it's probably shallow and dumb to say I wish he would do what I'm doing, but that's it. I wish he would find himself, too.

I keep thinking of the Boy Meets World quote said by Topanga: "I do my thing and you do your thing. You are you and I am I. But if in the end we end up together, it is beautiful". It just reminds me to always put my own development before the development of a relationship :)

Best of luck xoxo

/r/relationships Thread