Am married. 2.5 years now.
A long time ago i fell in love with someone. 3.5 years ago i tried to pursue a possibility with them. They didn't respond to my advances. Riding the bus home together one evening i even tried to tell him that another one of our friends asked me out, and that i had declined but that he keeps asking me.
I even got up the courage to just ask him how he felt about seeing someone and how they felt about eventually one day marriage. They let me know that they were open to seeing people, but were in no way interested in marriage.
It broke my heart. But, i loved them. I couldn't just let them go. I moved on, but stayed as close to them as they would let me. They are the person i trust most, they are the person i can't live without.
I agreed to go out with that mutual friend i had previously turned down, that i mentioned to him on the bus ride home.
A few months into dating the mutual friend, he proposed. My crush, during this time, softened his stance on marriage just a hair, but he never said anything else. Just that he "might, but it would have to be the right one...". But, the time had passed for uncertain potential. My crush had known me for 8 years by this point. If i had been the right one he would have told me he loved me by then.
There was a moment, before we married, when i was in the car alone with my crush. I asked him ' do you think this is my last chance to get married?" (Being 44, i was at the end of my shelf-life, and if there was any other hope from him at all i had to know.) He said, "yeah, probably".
And that was when my hope died for him.
So, for 2.5 years i stayed his most loyal friend. And, good wife to out mutual friend.
Then, last week i somehow (i don't remember specifically how) told him how i felt about him, and now he knows.
He is not sure if he loves me, but he cares deeply for me and just hearing that alone was enough. He will forever mean the world to me. I will forever be his faithful follower, and dumpy friend to hang out with.
We made a boundary to not let it cross the official cheating line. And, we have four events to hang out together at this week.
I feel SO embarrassed every time. And, it's bad ... when he didn't know it was easier to draw my line at trying not to be a creep. Now my line is further, and i feel like a creep every time i find myself staring, or standing too close, or accidentally touch his hand while handing him the sportsball, etc.