I feel like this most of the time. I lived with my grandma as a kid instead of my mom (because we’d lived with her before mom married my stepdad and I just never adjusted to the new house and school so I moved back). After my grandma died when I was 10 and my mom and siblings all moved in... even in my family I was definitely the odd one out. I wasn’t my stepdads kid. Wasn’t “as much” my moms kid as my younger siblings. Then when dad took off I became more like my moms partner in raising my siblings (3 of them are 10+ years younger than me). I wasn’t really ever her kid.

Anyway, babysitting all the time meant I couldn’t really hang out with my friends outside of high school. So they all got closer and I never had that chance. I was really quiet as it was, and overweight while female, so definitely not popular. There was this boy who had dated a friend of mine and one morning I showed up at school and sort of hovered with a group of my friends and it took ages for them to even notice I was standing there. I said something and one of my two closest friends said “Oh! When did you get here?” And I said like twenty minutes ago, and she said she hadn’t noticed and this boy said “I noticed!” And gave me a huge hug. We eventually got together, he was my first boyfriend and it’s been 14 years and we’re still together.

And that’s the story I have to tell when people ask when I realized I had feelings for my boyfriend. It’s also part of why I fell in love with him at first. I’m his favorite, and he saw me. I hadn’t had that since my grandmother died. I still struggle all the time feeling like I’m a drag on him, on my best friend who I know loves me, on my son. Like there’s someone who would be better for all of them than I am.