Do you ever long for a place that doesn't exist, a childhood you never had, a life that you'll never live?

I grew up in the middle of nowhere two miles outside of a town of 2000 people. My dad ignored me and worked 3rd shift, my mom mostly yelled at me. I'm certain I'm socially handicapped because of this and still go into shutdown mode if someone yells at or gets angry with me. I basically spend my life being as inoffensive and people pleasing as possible so I don't anger anyone, but that also makes me rather grey and NPC. My mom said I basically stopped talking at around 8 years old, but I don't think she ever put two and two together. It wasn't a terrible childhood, but it was lonely and isolated. I was bullied a little bit in school for being the weird, overweight quiet boy but nothing terrible. I haven't spoken with my dad in 3 years or so. We didn't have a big blow up or anything, my parents got divorced and we just drifted apart. I have an older half sister that I barely know because my dad pretty much abandoned her. I basically have no friends as I see myself as unappealing and dull but after spending nearly all my life like this, I've eked out a little niche for myself and am generally happy most of the time. Got a ton of hobbies to occupy my time. Plenty of daydreaming, of course.

I didn't know there was anything particularly off about my childhood until well into adulthood. Generational trauma is real. Therapy is expensive and I don't know if it would help me or not. But recently I've been looking into CEN, childhood emotional neglect and it's been helping me cope and realize it's not because I'm a bad or unappealing person. Just some bad patterns of thought and behaviors I've never been able to shake.

But all in all, I'm doing alright. The Covid lockdown hasn't changed my life all that much. I've pretty much accepted my lot in life and try to make the best of it!

/r/MakeNewFriendsHere Thread